Alexander The Gay

Time

2012-01-22T17:11:00.003+08:00

How time flew since the last time I blogged. I didn't abandon this blog, just that there were so many other distractions. But I have always love this little blog of mine. I'll never abandon this just that it'll be slower for me to write one...

So many things happened since. The biggest one is my resignation from that old job (terrible pay!) and found a totally job in a new country. Life had been so much more exciting. I've been flying all over the place. Tiring yes, but such a great experience! I'll need to write another post for all the places I went to last year!

Until then, watch this space!

Oh, and Happy New Year! Luv ya all!

Still here!

2011-07-26T21:15:00.001+08:00

Watch this space! I'm still alive!

The Interview

2011-03-24T22:20:00.003+08:00

Few weeks ago, I chatted (informal interview) with a journalist on the topic of gay life in Malaysia as the background for this story on the latest Malaysian gay move "... Dalam Botol". Read his full article at The Guardian, here.

So what do you think of the movie?

:(

2011-02-23T21:17:00.000+08:00

You hurt me when you said you wished you're dead than seeing all "these".

You hurt me when you referred my friends as "those people" with a disgusted look.

You hurt me because it shouldn't be like this. You didn't see me as a human with dignity and rights, like everyone else on the planet. You still didn't shake that preconceived negativity about gays. You didn't accept that I was born this way, not a choice anyone made.

What will make things change the other way? That one day you truly accept me as your son as I am, unconditionally? That you and I don't waste anymore previous time angry at each other, instead of loving during the very finite time while we are still alive?

恭賀新禧

2011-02-02T19:03:00.000+08:00

Chinese New Year is tomorrow and it's been generally a good year for many of us. Still, there are many people in the world are suffering in many situations - oppressive regimes, pointless wars, life-threatening diseases, chronic hunger, parching thirst, painful torture, cataclysmic disasters, hardcore poverty...

Yearn for a better year for them, and do whatever we can to reduce the amount of suffering in this world...

Happy New Year from me.

[Something from my photo collection, a door in the Forbidden City, Beijing, China]

2010 in Review: Reflection on Poverty

2011-01-22T17:02:00.003+08:00

Wealth and the lack of it.

2010 was the year I dealt first time with salary cut. It wasn't much, but enough to inflict some psychological discomfort. The human psyche is a weird thing: it is much more satisfying to receive say, $500 and then another $300 than given $1000 first just to be given a $200 cut, even though the net amounts are the same. We are not prepared with deal with losses especially when expectations are raised.

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All being said, I should be very ashamed of myself. In many of the countries I have visited, many of the people are surviving on few dollars a day, some as low as a dollar. My salary cut could have supported a person for 2 months. And not to mention all the money spent on things for satisfying the irrational emotion-of-the-moment.

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Face Value by ~jeej83 on deviant ART

Why there is a such a big gap between the haves and have-nots?

One of the most poignant moments I have seen is in Siem Reap, Cambodia. A Cambodian child, not older than 5, were hawking souvenirs to the foreign tourists. There he - dusty and barefoot on the laterite soil not far the compound of an Angkorian temple - came face to face to a clean white boy of the same age, still frailly holding his mother's hand. For that brief moment, I question, how could their fates be so vastly different? One born in a country just pulling itself from a bloody history of deadly politics-went-awry, selling postcards, DVDs and other souvenirs in the shadows of his long-dead ancestors former glory. Another boy born in the same time, but from a place of stability and economic growth that enabled his parents to bring him to visit this country, definitely need not worry about earning money in the midst of soaring tropical heat.

To think of their places swapped - a barefooted white boy desperately selling souvenirs in his country to the parents of a Cambodian boy - is rather an interesting thought experiment to dig out what happened. But I shall leave that to another day.

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It is mostly true that the richer gets richer and the poor gets poorer. They are on the same positive (self-reinforcing) feedback loop mechanism, just that generally the rich is on the virtuous cycle and the poor on the vicious cycle.

Note that with sufficiently large capital, and if you're totally sane, you could almost never go poor. With wealth, you can use it to create more wealth. For example, you can buy an extra house you don't need to stay and rent out. And if the price goes up, you sell it and make yourself a handsome profit. And with that more wealth at hand, you're probably in a different tranche to be eligible for more things, like a higher loan and other benefits that were never available to you. Use that to buy more houses! Sell it off and make even more money! So on and so forth...

On the other hand, if you lack the capital, your story almost end there. No, not quite. You still need a roof over your head. That's when you rent from the landlord, while contributing to his/her wealth. So while you're most probably funding the installment of the house you're staying, you don't eventually own it. Your money is too divided for surviving another day, you don't talk about property, hedge funds, unit trusts, bonds, shares and other money-generating games.

Capitalism by ~Pekich on deviant ART

Of course, not all people and nations are trapped in the vicious cycle or comfortably move around the virtuous cycle. Some poor eventually breakthrough and became rich, while some rich became poor. But they still play the same game and hardly anything will change overall.

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A digress on a comment made by a fellow senior colleague on the poverty and slums of India where he visited:

"They're very poor and their slum houses can't fit all their numerous children! It's a vicious cycle: since they're so poor to have TV, their only entertainment is sex. And ended up with more children they couldn't afford."

Interesting.

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There's nothing wrong of being rich, some people really deserved to be rich for their hard work, their ingenuity. And some are condemned to be poor as a result of laziness or stupidity. However, it's not always the case. No matter how hard you work in the slums of Manila or Jakarta, you could hardly breakthrough. As a whole, how could the resource-rich nations of Philippines and Indonesia break themselves free from the shackles of poverty as they are sucked dry by the very people entrusted with power and wealth of the nation? (Not by sending their population as maids and construction workers in other countries!) And don't blame the rich, some of corrupt officials are from poor background. They're just opportunistic. Greed is universal.

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Inevitable by *bitterwick on deviant ART

In the end, combination of history (e.g. past politics), luck (born with silver spoon, hitting the jackpot), environment (government policies, economic climate), self-initiative (education, hard work) and/or etc. determines the wealth or the lack of thereof. While wealth does not guarantee happiness and a deep, long-term satisfaction in life, but if you're living off few dollars a day and urgently need access to clean water, health care, education, food and a roof over your head, wealth do buy happiness.

It is inevitable many of us will be hardcore poor and some filthy rich (20% of the people owning 80% of the wealth), but what is realistic to is to close the extreme gap between these groups in many parts of the world. We will have a better world then.

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That's my 20 cents worth of thoughts.

Overloaded

2011-01-13T09:44:00.001+08:00

Too many books to read. Too much music to listen. Too many shows to watch. Too much work to do. Too many blogs to read. Too much information to digest. Too many things to learn. Too much rubbish to clean. Too many photographs to go through. Too many distractions to overcome. Too many expected achievements to reach. Too many workouts to perform. Too many Facebook streams to go through. Too many places to visit. Too much sleep to catch up.

Too little time.

NSFW: Delacroix

2011-01-03T22:26:00.000+08:00

Warning NSFW: Not safe for work! Contains nudity.

Here's something long overdue. Model: Delacroix.

I just love this set, as I have more experimentation to try out more semi-abstract & water (see the last 2 B&W). As probably you have figured out now, I have a thing for water on skin. I just love the texture!

More coming soon!

2010 in Review: Travels

2010-12-28T19:50:00.000+08:00

Roaming around the region...

Another year, happening year. Let me have a quick look at the year of 2010 AD.

TRAVELS

In a nutshell: Less business trips, but more personal trips this year.

Siem Reap, Cambodia - Actually it was end of December 2009 and crossed over to January 2010. Celebrated New Year there with my darling Jin. An UNESCO World Heritage site, Angkor Archaeological Complex is such a wonderful place! Ancient temples, buildings, waterworks, etc built by a fallen civilization, perhaps the largest ancient urbanized civilization in South East Asia. My personal favourite temple is Bayon. The faces on the temple! Who can forget? We love the food there. And not to forget the fine artwork of Artisan d'Angkor, whose few of artisans are so cute and exchanged smiles and eye contact with us!
Puland Redang, Terengganu - A domestic travel, but very charming nevertheless! Clear blue waters, swarmed with fishes... white fine sands underneath the sunny skies... PARADISO! Jin and I had a great time there eating, snorkeling, sunbathing and ogling at some tourists.
Jogjakarta, Indonesia - Another two UNESCO World Heritage sites: Borobudur and Prambanan. Borobudur is majestic, we can attest to that as we stayed Manohara, at the edge of the complex. A large square with symmetrical plan, grows up like a gentle-sloped pyramid, topped with stupas with Buddhas overlooking all directions. Jin and I watched the sunrise there, with the distant Mount Merapi billowing up some smoke... perfection! Another very interesting event was local schoolchildren came to Borobudur from all over Java island to learn English with tourists. And the schoolgirls - I was told by a local guide - love fair-skinned tourist, like me. So, they were really screaming when I said yes to take photos with them. LOL, that's how being a celebrity must have felt like. Prambanan reminded me of Angkor Wat a bit, however with a slightly different plan. The best part was having dinner in front of Prambanan complex, such an intriguing sight to behold at night. We were supposed to to watch the Ramayana ballet in front of it too, however it was postponed by the rain to another location. Had a lovely dinner and massage at Rumah Mertua!
Kuching, Sarawak - Jin and I went there for my fag hag's wedding! It was our second time there, as we were there in 2009 for the Rainforest World Music Festival. Had our fun time eating all the local delicacies!
Jakarta, Indonesia - Went during the height of anti-Malaysia demostration, but general Indonesians not bothered with it. Met up with an old friend there too.
Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam - Third time there, so it was kinda boring. Almost got cheated by a horrendous taxi driver there.
Chiang Mai, Thailand - Located north of Thailand, this cool town is perfect getaway from hustle & bustle of big cities. We stayed at this boutique hotel named Siripanna Grand Resort & Villa, a highly recommended place with a very unique pool. Jin and I went to the highest peak in Thailand, visited the twin stupas/temples near the mountain - in which I improvised a lovely song to Buddha (can't help it, the echo effect was amazing!). We also did this Flight of the Gibbon, criss-crossing from tree top to tree top for 20-odd stops! There was also this tall and the most humongous waterfall I've ever seen in my life. Talking about humongous, we went to watch some gogo boys show, 2 to be precise - Circle Pub & New My Way. Where did they find these huge cock boys?! It was eye-opener for both of us, as it was our first time checking out gogo boy shows. Very interesting. Love the Thais for their hospitality, food, service and everything! No tourism in this region comes close to the Thais.
Fraser's Hill, Pahang - Went with Jin, Leggie, Puppet, Bunny, Jaded Jeremy & Kensworth for a quick weekend getaway from KL (and also my brithday). We stayed at this estimated 100-year old colonial bungalow named Cicely. Lovely, isn't it? Had fun gaming and drinking and eating at the hill top! Our only complain is the trip was too short!
Manila, Philippines - Last trip for this year! Will celebrate New Year at overseas again!

I really love the trips I had this year, mostly new places I never been to. And spent a great quality time with Jin.

Happy Holidays!

2010-12-25T19:42:00.001+08:00

Peter Le says it all on my behalf!

Suddenly Manila!!!

2010-12-22T23:57:00.000+08:00

OK, I got this long leave (to be cleared before year end) and we got a little bit spontaneous... so we ended up buying the tickets to Manila, Philippines! Hooray!!!!!

We'll be going real soon, with minimal plans. I have mentioned before overplanning kills plans, but the drawback of this kinda last minute planning is that it provides a little buffer for any risk. Risk of not able to find accommodation, risk of transportation, risk of this and that... Anyhow, it's all part of the fun!

So, any Pinoy readers or bloggers in Manila who can give us some tips or show us around? :D

AMG: 暗湧 - 王菲 Faye Wong

2010-11-28T13:44:00.000+08:00

(Click to play)

I love this song sung by Faye Wong. "暗湧" - been roughly translated as Undercurrents - is an unique song. I have a soft spot for dark romanticism - mood of a cloud-shadowed moon, stars on a winter night, raindrops on window pane...

This song is in Cantonese and I admit I don't understand much the meaning of the lyrics. However, by just listening to the music especially the piano accompaniment, one can feel the underlying swelling of repressed emotions... unrequited love? troubled heart? complicated romance?

I first heard it over My FM, and immediately fell in love with it. So I revert to the nearest Faye Wong hardcore fan: Froggie and got the copy of the song. Thanks a lot!

Enjoy the song.

就算天空再深看不出裂痕
眉头仍聚满密云
就算一屋暗灯照不穿我身
仍可反映你心

让这口烟跳升我身躯下沉
曾多么想多么想贴近
你的心和眼口和耳亦没缘份
我都捉不紧

害怕悲剧重演我的命中命中
越美丽的东西我越不可碰
历史在重演这么烦烧城中
没理由相恋可以没有暗涌
其实我再去爱惜你又有何用
难道这次我抱紧你未必落空

仍静候着你说我别错用神
什么我都有预感
然后睁不开两眼看命运光临
然后天空又再涌起密云

然后天空又再涌起密云

P.S:
If you're familiar with The Piano's theme "The Heart Asks Pleasure First" composed by Michael Nyman, you'll notice the emotional similarity between these two compositions. And this is perfectly demonstrated in a performance by Loli Wai:

Alcohol

2010-11-21T02:26:00.000+08:00

I'm drunk and love the way it impairs my judgment. LOL

Winterporn

2010-11-18T21:53:00.002+08:00

Japanese porn and the world of its own...

When I first saw these scenes, I knew Japanese gay porn has turned from ridiculous to downright overboard...

As mentioned before in my previous post, I still don't understand why there is a need of the protective goggles... As if to fit the coming winter, he wears a pair of ski goggles!

Why??? Should we expect Masked Rider appearance after this?

なぜ?????

Politically Correct Quote of the Day

2010-11-16T20:07:00.000+08:00

"I have a female dog and her name is Karma."

Secrets

2010-11-09T19:23:00.001+08:00

What happened at KFC stays at KFC.

Fried chicken is sinful.

Almost NSFW: Abstractions of Eric

2010-10-03T22:37:00.000+08:00

Something different?

Busy. Lazy. Busy. Lazy. Busy. Lazy.

That's the thing you keep hearing about myself and probably you're bored by now. So am I. Work during the weekdays really sapped almost all the energy and by weekend, you probably just wanna chill out and do nothing.

That's why there's something long overdue. And I'm gonna try something different here from now on, by going increasingly abstract on the nudes I've taken. You can guess who's the model :P Here's the first part for now.

Feel free to comment!

Double Rainbow Full On!

2010-08-31T15:25:00.001+08:00

What do you get when you cross the crazy world of internet with lots of free time? You'll get even crazier stuffs!

So it all begins when a guy saw a double rainbow at his frontyard in Yosemite Park, USA. Of course, most of us will be awed seeing such sight - it's a rare event to see a rainbow itself, not to mention a double rainbow. However, this guy was in such ecstasy that his reaction in the end is closer to multiple orgasm than awe - complete with cries and laughters.

You must check this out:

OK. His video has garnered 12.6 million views to date. The best part of this is that it has spawned various spoofs and tributes by others. The best one is the "Double Rainbow Song", in which the original audio has been auto-tuned to a catchy song:

Or maybe a club friendly version?

LOL! What about using that for acting audition?

Double cheeseburger anyone?

...and thousand more videos... But I hope you have wasted enough minutes of your life.

p.s. Do you think he's gay?

New York State Senator Diane Savino on Marriage Equality

2010-08-29T21:19:00.000+08:00

The power of a great speech.

This is one of the most engaging and passionate talk ever. Diane Savino, a senator of New York State, on gay marriage and government role in this. This talk was before their Marriage Equality Bill vote. Although the New York lawmakers voted against the bill (38 vs 24), her talk has no doubt delivered the most passionate points for marriage equality for homosexuals.

Check it out!

Love and Hate

2010-08-18T22:23:00.005+08:00

As he was spewing loud hate sermon over the megaphone.

That penetrated concrete walls and curtained windows.

I was practicing self-love, unperturbed.

Love is joy, why the venomous hatred?

Stick-y Situation

2010-07-27T22:13:00.003+08:00

The fortunes of us all...

The other day, Xavier's parents went to a temple and did kau chim (求籤 Chinese fortune stick divination) for him regarding property purchase. For those of you who are not familiar with kau chim, here's a video to illustrate it:

So the fallen stick will be interpreted by some "expert" in relation to whatever topic you're seeking answer or guidance for. The sticks are also categorized to into a spectrum from "double good" (上上籤), "good", "bad" and "double bad". (Please correct me on this if I'm wrong)

It turned out that the stick indicated it bad to buy property now. Not one stick, but a total of three sticks from 3 sessions, pointed the same.

Just now, my maternal grandmother called me. The reason was that she went to a temple and did kau cim to ask whether I have a girlfriend or not. My mum warned me earlier not to say anything stupid as my grandma is quite old.

The stick said (via the interpreter, of course) that I do indeed have a girlfriend. And it's not any normal stick, it's the "double good" stick.

She asked to confirm the divination. "Do you have a girlfriend or not?"

"No," I replied.

"Don't lie to grandma if you have a girlfriend."

"No," I insisted.

"Speak louder so that grandma can hear you."

"No."

"Your mum told me you don't have a girlfriend and you're over 28 this year. I don't believe and I went to the temple to ask the Supreme Lord (太上老君). The cim said you have a girlfriend."

"No, I don't have one."

"Impossible! That's a 'double good' cim. Which means it is very accurate. Tell grandma that you have a girlfriend."

At this point, I quickly thought of a politically-correct answer. "Not yet, grandma."

"Oh not yet.... but still it's strange. Well, let me ask again."

That's the power of faith (in anything). Faith is believing without evidence and sometimes, despite contrary evidence. As much as I disbelieve in kau cim, I can't convince her otherwise. I mean, who can tell better that I don't have a girlfriend than myself??? Not a stick definitely! I've been telling her the truth that I don't have a girlfriend, but her faith in kau cim is so strong that no matter what evidence I can present to her, she will still believe in "truthfulness" of kau cim. But I can't risk going overboard with questioning her beliefs, can I? Faith is usually strongly coupled with deep emotions, I've learnt that questioning faith more often than not evokes strong negative reactions.

It is best sometimes to leave the questioning to the initiative of the person himself/herself.

Handsome Men's Club

2010-07-25T19:00:00.000+08:00

Check out this sketch from Jimmy Kimmel Live, with real handsome actors!

Love their vain introductory mantra:
"Wow. You're handsome. You're perfect. You're incredible. You're one good looking son of a bitch. Good job, Mum. Amazing. Holy ****"

Bryan Safi on Ex-Gay Conversion

2010-07-05T21:44:00.000+08:00

I like to watch Bryan Safi's segment "That's Gay" because he's so funny and spot on regarding so many issues on homosexuality. Check out this one on ex-gay conversion:

Check out my previous post which includes Bryan Safi's segment on self-hating homophobic gay politicians.

AMG: Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom (Tchaikovsky)

2010-06-28T23:41:00.003+08:00

If I ever be converted (I'm an atheist) into a religion purely on its music, I'd be most probably belong to the Eastern Orthodox Church (although Roman Catholic comes close). This "decision" rest solely on one composition by Pyotr Illyich Tchaikovsky, one of my favourite composers.

This composition is interesting in many ways, first of all it's the one of the very few religious work amongst his more famous secular works such as his First Piano Concerto, 3 ballets (Nutcracker, Swan Lake, Sleeping Beauty), 6 symphonies, Violin Concerto etc. Secondly, it is markedly different style of composition at first hearing, although upon listening at a deeper level, one can discover his emotional core, which is omnipresent in his works.

The key to listen to Tchaikovsky, in my opinion, is to seek out the dark emotions he embedded even in the most happy sounding music. The presence of this deep emotional expressions most probably due to his homosexuality, closeted from the public at large. Tchaikovsky, in the word of Professor Robert Greenberg of the San Francisco Conservatory of Music, “found a world of self-expression that he might never have discovered had he felt less alienated from society.”

In 1878, Tchaikovsky set the Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom to music for unaccompanied voices, in the tradition of many sacred music. As Tchaikovsky is a master painter of the tonal colours, he utilized it to the fullest for the opening movement "Amen. Lord, have mercy":

The opening movement's score [source: IMSLP]

He had me at the first bar. Simple but rich chord - from the bass to soprano, in unison sang "Amen" - really make my knees weak. They then plead, "Lord, have mercy!" over and over again in such humility in quiet moments, almost despair in sonorous phrases. I could cry listening to this.... I could almost feel what Tchaikovsky was feeling, albeit masked by other indescribable emotions...

The next movement brings us to a quiet opening... until a praise to the Father and Son and the Holy Spirit which lifts the moment up. It then develops into almost complex phrasing, but he keeps it simple and emotionally powerful, always withdraw into a peaceful solitude.

I don't think there's any Eastern Orthodox Church in this region, however if you've seen one, you'll be amazed by its unique design and architecture. I was lucky to be at the heart of Eastern Orthodox - that is, Russia - to eyewitness myself their churches. Imagine the call for prayer ringing inside the chambers of these magnificent churches, the Kazan Cathedral & St. Basil's Cathedral, both at Red Square, Moscow.

The third movement "Come, let us worship" evokes such atmosphere. We were walking by these churches on a chilly summer evening, where daylight seems long and lingering. The feeling was unmistakable: something in me wanted to go in and sit down. I could almost hear this piece sung out by the cherubic voices...

Kazan Cathedral, Moscow

St. Basil's Cathedral, Moscow

There are a total 15 movements in this work. If you do happen to see this a recording of this by USSR Ministry of Culture Chamber Choir, conducted by Valery (or Valeri) Polyansky, grab it. It's one of the most touching and sublime recording ever.

And please give it to me as my birthday gift :)

Heartbeats by Lady Gaga

2010-06-16T23:18:00.001+08:00

The previous post was about this headphones designed by Lady Gaga, featured in two of her music videos:

Bad Romance

and Telephone.

Nice right?

Heartbeats Headphone - Lady Gaga

2010-06-11T00:01:00.002+08:00

Lovely ain't it? :)

Don't wake me up, Alejandro...

2010-06-08T22:30:00.000+08:00

I know I'm not that young

and you know I love my body

but I just can't wait for you like this anymore

Alejandro...

I can't wait for Lady Gaga's Alejandro music video to be released in one hour and thirtyminutes more, but I need to sleep because I didn't get enough sleep last night...

I'll catch it tomorrow morning then....

AMG: The Sixth Dalai Lama's Love Song - Dadawa

2010-06-05T12:24:00.002+08:00

Tsangyang Gyatso - the Sixth Dalai Lama - is perhaps the most rebellious Dalai Lama that Tibet had ever seen. He was reported of breaching protocols, drinking wine, had amorous affairs with women... basically all the things a monk not expected to do, not to mention a Dalai Lama! But the thing is that he didn't choose to be the Dalai Lama. A Dalai Lama is selected by a group of monks after searching high and low at Tibet, looking for the child that is thought to be reincarnated from previous Dalai Lamas. Tsangyang in fact asked for forgiveness from a Panchen Lama and he renounced his vows as a monk. But one can't just abdicate the position of Dalai Lama... the fate was sealed long ago.

Despite all these, in fact one could say exactly because of all these, he composed a lot of poems and songs - mainly in the theme of love. His compositions are still well known to Tibetans today.

Dadawa, one of my favourite New Age artiste, sung one of his poems, adapted to music by the prolific composer He Xuntian. (Those of you who have heard of Dadawa probably remember her hit song "Sister Drum") I selected this particular song from Dadawa's third album for its spectacular soundscape journey.

At the beginning of the song, we heard a door opened to windy, wintry landscape of the Tibetan Plateau... as our Tsangyang sneaked out from the monastery, a dog barked at his presence. As he walked further, the echoes of the barks became more distant...

... Dadawa sings his poem [0:54], interspersed with "om mani padme hom":

在那東方山頂 On the top of the oriental mountain
升起皎潔月亮 rises the pure bright moon
年輕姑娘面容 The feature of the young girl
漸漸浮現心上 slowly appears in my mind

黃昏去會情人 I went to meet my lover in the evening
黎明大雪飛揚 at dawn fell a heavy snow
莫說瞞與不瞞 It's useless to conceal
腳印已留雪上 because my foor prints were left in the snow

[1:42] first time we heard Tibetan voices and chorus at the background, before Dadawa continues:

守門的狗兒 Oh dog, guardian of the door
你比人還機靈 you are more clever than the human being
別說我黃昏出去 Please don't reveal that I went out in the evening
別說我拂曉才歸 and only return at dawn

人家說我的閒話 Someone is full of gossip on my subject
自以說得不差 and considers what he said is right
少年我輕盈步履 When I was young with light steps
曾走過女店主家 I entered into a hostess' house

[2:52] Tibetan voices and chorus at the background, but Dadawa continues with more force but a confused and agitated voice, caught in dilemma:

常想活佛面孔 I often think of the living Buddha's features
從不展現眼前 but it never appears before my eyes
沒想情人容顏 I never think of the face of my lover
時時映在心中 but it always reflects on my heart

住在布達拉宮 Living in the Buddha's palace
我是持明倉央嘉措 I am the enlightened Tsangyang Gyatso
住在山下拉薩 Habitant on the foot of Lhasa mountain
我是浪子宕桑旺波 I am the prodigal Tangsang Wuangpo

[3:52] Here Dadawa joins the Tibetan voice singing a elaborate bridge "om mani padme hom"... ascending and descending...

[4.31] And the suddenly we hear a loud thunder! It's raining!

This is the most beautiful part of the song as we hear the full-throated voices of Dadawa and the Tibetan singer criss-cross... pulsating in harmony... (if you listen carefully, you can hear the voices cross from left to right and vice versa on your speaker)

[5.23] The full Tibetan chorus joins in the climax, singing:

(藏語合唱) (Chorus in Tibetan)

喇嘛倉央嘉措 As to Lama Tsangyang Gyatso
別怪他風流浪蕩 don't be surprised by his debauched life
他所追尋的 What he sought after
和我們沒有兩樣 is no different with that of the human being

Thus is the love song of the Sixth Dalai Lama - believed to be reincarnation of heavenly being, but he was just a human like all of us... with flesh, blood, lust and love.

Deserving it?

2010-05-19T19:50:00.000+08:00

[Alex comments: OK, I gotta admit for the umpteenth time that I'm a very lazy person when it comes to few things in life. And yes, I know I've been wasting of my life. Trust me, I'm working on it. I just need to sort out my priorities and manage my time well. Here, it'll finish up some backlogged blog posts one by one, which are meant to be published months ago. Sorry!]

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[meant for 17th July 2009]

Thanks dear reader for all your kind comments when I blogged what I felt last time on the post on dealing with my mum. Sorry I didn't have the opportunity to reply each of you individually, but I do appreciate your support and comments.

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Just now at dinner, I faced another outburst from mum, supported by dad... although it's subtler than before. Again, this time is linking gays with AIDS. In a nutshell (comments in parentheses are mine): first AIDS case reported in Malaysia was a man (I can't find the source for this) -> came back from USA (source?) -> dancer (source?) -> most probably gay (source??) -> yeah, gay (source??!!) -> AIDS -> deserved it (???!!!!).

What the fuck?!

It doesn't take a logician to know that:

some of A have X,

therefore ALL of A have X

is a HUGE potential fallacy, which leads to ugly stereotypes (e.g. some Chinese are rich, therefore ALL Chinese are rich) we have seen throughout history. And yet, people keep on perpetuate the same error over and over again.

Now the thing on "deserving" part.... do you think if something bad happens one a person, the person "deserves" it? Well, the answer depends. Usually people will think that a "bad" person "deserves" bad things. And here comes the part how people perceive what is "bad". So if you're a homophobe or have totally no idea what gay is, you will tend think gays are the "bad" people and therefore, if just one gay guy caught HIV, it's like "SEE?! I told you so that gays WILL get AIDS and so totally deserve it for their sins and unnatural crime!"

Here's a good quote:

Since at least 90 per cent of drug addicts, prostitutes, and those infected by transfused blood products are heterosexual and engage in heterosexual sex, over 95 per cent of those presently identified as HIV positive in Malaysia are heterosexual. Obviously this means everyone is at risk of being infected. AIDS does not discriminate, so why should we?
-pg 80, Sharing the Challenge of AIDS Prevention: The Community Aids Service Penang by Jenny Huddart from the book "AIDS and NGOs" editted by Digumarti Bhaskara Rao

So yeah, why should we?

Excerpt from "Pale Blue Dot"

2010-04-22T21:53:00.000+08:00

For this Earth Day, I shall quote from Carl Sagan, one of my favourite scientists.

"From this distant vantage point, the Earth might not seem of particular interest. But for us, it's different.

Earth, as photographed by Voyager 1 - 6 billion km away - in 1990.

Consider again that dot. That's here, that's home, that's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known."

Self-Hating Gay Homophobes: A Good Gaydar

2010-03-27T11:49:00.002+08:00

Stop denying and hating yourself! I know you're gay!

This post is dedicated to those self-hating gay people out there who keep denying they're gay by saying how they HATE gay people. As I mentioned before,

The psychology is simple: if he's seen gay-bashing, he thinks that people wouldn't consider him as gay. Gay people don't gay-bash their own kind right?

Wrong.

And also wrote about:

[...] that real straight men are not threatened by homosexuality because they got no reason to be. Whereas those who exhibit homophobia are more often than not a deeply closeted, self-hating hating gay guy. Reminds me of the those priests who preached against gays and yet have gay sex; or that straight-acting guy you know who publicly condemn gays, yet he sucks cocks.

Therefore think about it, it is possible that if you see a guy who loudly denounces homosexuality or exhibit deep homophobia - he's quite likely to be gay, albeit a self-hating, deeply-closeted one.

Here's from few excerpts from articles written to warn other girls on how to check if their boyfriends are gay:

[1]
Men who are militantly anti-gay are often overly trying to compensate for their true feelings, and are in fact gay. So men who are vehemently hostile when the subject of homosexuality is raised, are often just trying to hide their true opinions. The reason that they are so aggressive about the matter is simply because they often cannot accept who they really are.

[2]
if they are behaving like they are angry or scared of gay people, strong chances are, they are gay themselves (or could still be hiding in the closet, and so very scared to be found out!). This is called homophobia, and there are varieties of this behavior. Even gay people themselves have the so-called "internalized homophobia," which is largely characterized by a large scale, downright dislike of one's self for being gay. And the most outrageous but subtle way of expressing this is by getting scared or angry towards other gay people (especially those who are out and comfortable with themselves). It is a way of projecting what you do not like with yourself, hence this happens.

[3]
Gay people hiding inside the closet are usually very vocal about their distaste and hatred for gay men. While it seems a little counterintuitive, there is a reason why they do it. Because they don't want to be caught or be suspected that they are gay, they would cover their true identity by blatantly expressing their rage against gay men. They also tend to overdo this; thus, they become harsh gay-bashers. If your boyfriend is like that, then he might be gay. As one adage goes, the greatest homophobe is homosexual.

A good gaydar, don't you think so?

7% Discount

2010-03-06T19:17:00.000+08:00

When things are just not working in your favour.

I have friends who are categorized as "Bumiputra" working the same level as me, earning more or less the same as me - that is, in all aspect having a more or less similar economic background - yet, they are entitled for a minimum 7% discount when they purchase property in Malaysia. And I am not.

Why they can get discount? Just because they are born "Bumiputra". Nothing other than by chance they are born into that lineage which by non-chance the government of Malaysia recognized them as "Bumiputra" and thus, automatically given the privilege of 7% discount (with other hosts of preferential treatments). And I am not.

Just not.

I have no personal grudge against "Bumiputra", for I tried very hard to look beyond ethnicity and race... but I have my strong reservations on these government policies. I consider this unfair on the basis that we have similar economic background, why should one be given discount and the other not? I have no objections if it's given to hardcore poor people regardless of ethnicity, but to rich "Bumiputras" as well?! Hey, am I not the one who deserve the discount here?

But alas, I can't question "Bumiputra" policies, can I? It's "sensitive" and "seditious" to do. I could be jailed! Silly me. Stop complaining and work harder.

Yes, work harder to pay that 7% difference.

Stars Shining Bright Above You

2010-02-27T01:21:00.003+08:00

Come fly with me!

My first foray into science was via astronomy when I was around 8 (can't remember the exact age). Those times the skies were much clearer and there less light pollution during night time. I always spend some time during the nights, looking up in the soft breeze... pondering at the twinkling dots of lights in the heavens. What are they? How far are they? Why they are there? These questions lead me to read a lot of astronomy books which lead to more curiosities and more questions... and finally I fell in love with science and its intellectually satisfying and explanatory power.

The other night, I went out of my house and I saw an amazingly clear skies (by KL standard). It's been some time I indulge myself looking at the skies for most of the nights I nowadays spend either online or resting after a tiring day. So, I took the advantage of this rare occurrence and took few long exposure shots of the skies. Here's my 30-second exposure:

Noticed any familiar pattern? For those of you familiar with constellations (pattern form by stars), you notice Orion the Hunter! It's of course one of the most recognizable constellations, thanks to the unique rectangular shape (the body) with 3 bright stars at the waist. I added the lines to my image for you to see the patterns.

The body of Orion is formed by the 4 bright stars: Betelgeuse, Bellatrix, Rigel and Saiph. The waist: Alnilam, Alnitak and Mintaka. And the jewel of Orion's sword is Hatsya. There are also dimmer stars that formed the hands and club of Orion, which requires a clear night to be seen.

I also included the constellation Canis Major (the greater dog), which follows Orion in his hunting trips. Here at its neck, is Sirius - the brightest star observable in the night (in daytime, that would be our Sun).

Note that all these stars are actually very far apart from each other, even though it appeared on our "flat" sky next to each other. For example, Alnitak is 800 light years away, Alnilam and Mintaka 1300 and 900 light years away, respectively. (1 light year is the distance light travelled in Earth-year's time, that is about 10 trillion kilometers)

Another interesting thing about this area of sky is that there are 2 very recognizable and famous nebulas. One is Orion Nebula, located near Orion's sword. You can see this nebula with your naked eye, it's the smudge near Hatsya, middle of the three "stars" in the Orion's sword. It's 1500 light years away.

Hubble Space Telescope captured a stunning image of the Orion Nebula:

Source & credits: Hubblesite.org NASA, C.R. O'Dell and S.K. Wong (Rice University)

Orion Nebula is the birthplace of stars and has provided scientists with great insights as they are able to see stars being formed right here in this nebula.

The other nebula is Horsehead Nebula, named so because it does look like a horse's head. It's located "below" Alnitak. It's part of the larger nebula network that includes Orion Nebula. You'll need a telescope to view this.

Source & credits: NOAO. T.A.Rector (NOAO/AURA/NSF) and Hubble Heritage Team (STScI/AURA/NASA)

And there are a lot more interesting stuffs up in the skies! I hope I got you interested and start spending some time underneath the stars. It doesn't take much of your time but its reward is great. Being able to observe the moon, planets and stars will lead you to discover how small we are in relation to the Universe, how fragile and impermanent... and yet here we are, spending our decades alive on Earth being able to appreciate the vastness and magnificence of the Universe.

Enjoy!

p.s. If you have Google Earth program, you can discover the Universe interactively by choosing Sky function under View -> Explore -> Sky

花开富贵

2010-02-13T20:12:00.000+08:00

This New Year, I wish you all a prosperous and meaningful year ahead!

Here's something I just made, using a photo snatched from somewhere on the Internet and did some post processing to it and added some cool greetings. Hope you like it.

Alexander the Father

2010-02-05T22:24:00.000+08:00

The next generation.

While I was waiting for my mum's gift to be wrapped, there was this woman who sat down next to me with her baby. That baby was looking curiously when I tucked my book into my bag, with her big eyes following my hands. It was such a "awwwww..." moment. Who doesn't love a cute cuddly baby?

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While I was waiting to cross the road just now, there was this yellow car with a Caucasian lady in the driver seat passed by. At the back seat, her two girls, not older than 5, was happily waving at me. It was a beautiful sight and I beamed my widest smile back at them. Who doesn't love to see happy children?

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I never seriously think about having a family as it is - from the viewpoint of a gay man living in country that doesn't recognize same-sex marriage - not achievable. Say, if I want to have children (who carries my genes, not adopted), I have obtain them through the means of artificial insemination of a surrogate mother who is willing to do so for a handsome fee. Or I make a pact with a lesbian who will probably demand the payment in form of my first born.

(SK would be too happy to read this by now, but I promise her that I will not naturally inseminate her, so please forsake that hope. Sorry, I'm really gay!)

Anyhow, after today's encounter with the cute baby and the happy children, there's one part of me want children of my own! I want to play with them, share my knowledge, teach them the wonders of the world... I want to love them. By having children, it's the only way to live forever. It has to be my selfish genes, creating this instinct to further propagate my genes! It created this nice and warm impression of babies and children, neglecting to show me the dirty diapers and midnight cries and sibling fights! It even blocked my decision (albeit temporarily) to not add to human overpopulation woes on this planet.

But the ultimate question will be, am I ever ready to be a father? Am I qualified to be a dad? Do I want to take on the associated responsibilities and risk? What am I trying to achieve here?

Will Alexander the Gay ever be a father?

Question of the Day

2010-01-25T23:18:00.002+08:00

The Invasion of the Goggles Guy.

What's with Japanese porn? Personally, I never like Japanese porn due to:

masking: don't you think the penis look ridiculous when pixellated?
wooden actors: not talking about their woods, but about their lack of dynamism when having sex on screen.

Which brings me to the question of the day: what's with the guy in goggles? You know that dude that sucks and wank that wooden actor while wearing swimming goggles? He ALWAYS wears goggles. Why? Does he want to protect his identity? Is it because of swimming gear fetish? Or is it because, as someone hypothesized to me, of protection from cum shots?

He's annoying.

Yes, it's the Goggles Guy.

Anyone can give their opinion on this?

NSFW: Rafael

2010-01-10T19:18:00.004+08:00

NOT SAFE FOR WORK [NSFW]: Another set of experimentation in artistic nudes.

This set was taken for my friend, Rafael. Blessed with athletic body, he made my work easier. So I tried something slightly different and I'm happy with the results. You can also view the set on my DeviantArt gallery (same pictures). Here are the pictures, and I welcome any comments and critiques.

Transformation. The transition between clothed and nakedness. I particularly like the effect blurred subject, a reversal of usual case.

Diamonds. How will the soul be purified? By just letting yourself go in the stream of glittering droplets of water....

Light play. What happens when light and shadow meet?

Touch. as he walks towards the window

I need more models for my future artistic nudes experiments. Do contact me at swarmnet@gmail.com if you're interested (you decide on the usage permission).

Previous: Mike

Workshit

2010-01-08T22:02:00.001+08:00

"Money is not everything, but without money everything is not possible," goes a Chinese saying. How do I find more money and gain higher position when most things work against my favour?

Money and position always elude me. After so many years working, I observed that this tend to be true. Let me explain why I think so.

I worked in an industry known for its money. However, I had to work with the company which pays the least. With a lower starting salary, lower annual increment and slow promotion, a peer in another company would have gained a higher salary and position by leaps and bounds. On top of that, to go up in this company, one does not necessary require the right experience, skills, competency... one needs relationship with the right people. Officially of course, they would say experience, skills and competencies are required, but everyone knows what actually it takes to go further and faster. You know what I mean.

Me being me, lacking the network and the people skill, stubbornly stick to principles and working professionally didn't get far and fast. And I always know that and resignedly accepted the outcome. I couldn't be bothered with politics and licking bosses asses. I do my job, I do right, I do it properly. I take pride in this.

But then, there are times situations forced me to rethink my position. It's very disheartening to see people who are far inexperienced or lack the skills or competencies earning WAY MUCH MORE than you. Worst still, they're in position of power and commands you in the hierarchy. In another words, Dilbert in real life.

It's totally demotivating. I just lost a big opportunity recently to a junior. He was the preferred one, not because he was more experienced or skillful but because of... you guessed it, good relationship with a high-ranking manager.

Oh, and skin colour definitely helps. *wink*

But come on... it could me, being a sour grape bitch finding things to blame and complain! How can I be so sure these factors at play? All you've been hearing is just my side of story, it could be totally biased. And what's wrong by having a good network? After all, humans are not robots, human-to-human relationship remains as crucial, if not more, than skills or competencies. What's the point of having the best skilled person but it feels like talking Mr Data of starship Enterprise?

But what's the point of having a total networking genius but zero skill?

Oh anyway, working with this company doesn't bring job satisfaction that much... gave so much for the company that returns so little. Demotivating, occasionally marked small, fake happiness.... but overall, given choice I would like to go to other better companies. This company has abusive HR policies, which really makes think they hired Catbert, the evil HR director... which makes quitting as difficult choice as staying put.

Fuck the company. If they chose destruction, let me accelerate it.

By Jove, it's Zeus!

2010-01-04T21:48:00.001+08:00

Latest news from Rome, 20 BC.

Have you heard recently that the Greeks won the rights to use the name Jupiter to refer to their god? The Romans aren't amused as many of them pointed out that Grecian god already has a name: Zeus. Many are suspicious that this is one of the many cunning ways the Greeks are trying to subtly confuse the Roman youths and then convert them to the Grecian religion. The Greeks however, in their defense, retorted that it is their rights to use the name since they said its usage is limited within their community of faith. Several Roman groups have protested the landmark court ruling and a growing number of Jupiter adherents are becoming more vocal, fearing that their religion is being threatened. The Caesar - a Jupiter believer - urged calm, but as expected will be on the side of challenging the court's opinion.

A group of non-believers of both deities (and other gods as well), although concerned about the emotional heat up among the two groups, shrugged off the whole affair. "Call your deity whatever you want, what's imaginary is still imaginary," said Alexander of Macedonia.

No, Mum

2009-12-25T21:13:00.000+08:00

The barrier I have to face every time. Damn annoying.

The toughest thing I have to face every time I go on my own personal vacations is to announce to my parents. My dad is fine, but the real headache comes from my mum. I just told my mum that I'll be going to Siem Reap next week. And as expected and feared, she burst into a morality lecture.

Mum: How many people are going?

Me: 4 (lied)

Mum: Who are they?

Me: My friends.

Mum: Those kinda friends?

Me: What do you mean by "those"?

Mum: Those mentally ill people. Those people who are not normal.

Me: (angrier tone) They are not mentally ill and definitely very normal.

Mum: Yeah. So normal that they can get married and appear in newspaper ads, and police won't nab.

Me: (so WTF) I'm done talking to you about this. I'm going for a holiday, not gonna pick a fight with you.

Mum: Have you think about your own future? Huh? Huh?

I left straight to my own room. Again and again, I asked this question: how do you talk to a person who refuse to listen to reason?

No, mum. I'm not gonna let your personal prejudice to spoil my holidays.

Nah uh.

AMG: Videntes stellam (Poulenc)

2009-12-25T12:34:00.000+08:00

Alexander's Music Guide special edition for this Christmas...

Hello and welcome back to this holiday edition of Alexander's Music Guide. Today's featured music is Videntes stellam from Quatre motets pour le temps de Noël, composed by Francis Poulenc in 1951. This sublime piece is written for a choir without accompaniment.

Latin:

Videntes stellam magi gavisi sunt gaudio magno,
et intrantes domum obtulerunt Domino aurum, thus et myrrham.

English:
When they saw the star the wise men were greatly delighted,
and they entered the house and offered to the Lord gold, francincense, and myrrh.

Hope you like it as much as I do...

Enjoy and happy holidays!

Suddenly Siem Reap

2009-12-23T23:03:00.000+08:00

Sohm swaakohm....

Who says I can't be random and spontaneous? I just ordered a trip to Siem Reap with Jin! Woo hoo! It's really all so suddenly, with little room for planning... There's a familiar experience of having too much planning which ends up with a failed trip. So we got ourselves barely a week to plan everything out!

It's crazy.

I barely got the flight tickets. Timing is not flexible. And then I missed out on the better rooms and better tour packages today.... thinking that we might end up camping outside Angkor Wat underneath the stars. Not a bad idea, just that I hate mosquitoes and hard ground which is bad for my back and neck! Anyhow, managed to get ourselves a decent place to stay, not a hole in the wall but definitely not a beautiful boutique hotel.

Well, next is having our own tour with a good guide and all.... hope it all goes well. I'm really looking forward for this getaway!

The Good Night

2009-12-20T23:52:00.001+08:00

I can feel it in the water, I can feel it in the earth, I can smell it in the air.

Tonight is a special night, han mathon ne nen, han mathon ne chae a han noston ned 'wilith. The cool wind carries a message of peace and joy... and the trees and grasses sway in agreement. For once in the longest time I could remember, I see the distant stars, I see the constellation Orion, the star cluster Pleiades ... and it is all majestic and beautiful.

Nostalgic and happy I am now.... if only I could freeze this moment forever or at least let me carry this in my memory, so that it can light up my darkest hours and lift me up in my deepest fears.

Tonight is the testament of harmony between Man, Earth and Heaven... and I'm glad to be alive.

Beep beep from Mum

2009-12-19T19:05:00.000+08:00

Immoral and shameful?

I was really, really tied the past two months with work. I was even working on my birthday while at overseas. In the midst of the crazy schedules and all, I received an SMS. Sender: Mum. Look at what she sent on my birthday, reposted here verbatim:

Happy birthday. Wishing you a healthy, respectable and honourable life, far from immoral and shameful doings.

I shook my head and continued working.

When I came back home, I pretended that I didn't receive that SMS. What do you expect me to do?!

Totally Naked Puma

2009-11-08T12:08:00.000+08:00

Miguel Igleasias a.k.a the Puma Guy.

OK, I've been very busy lately.... with some stupid work. Anyhow, it's been a month since I last updated and it was about Puma Index which tracks the stock market with a very hot and cute guy. The name of the guy is Miguel Iglesias. As the market dips, Miguel will take off his clothes... more if the index dips down more. So the ultimate question was: what happens if the market totally crash?

Luckily we don't need to wait for that to occur. Somebody managed to find out the very video, and I tell, it's totally HOT.

Check out the video below or at AKA William or at QueerClick (which has complete videos).

Miguel is so cheeky! Who doesn't get a hard on watching that?

If that's not enough, head to QueerClick at this post to see Miguel TOTALY NAKED.

Even though one is totally bankrupt, we still have Miguel's big asset for consolation. Bliss.

Naked Puma

2009-10-02T23:56:00.002+08:00

More naked (almost) men in advertising!

The other day I blogged about using sex in advertising, Camel being the cited case. Following up from that, I present to you Puma.

The Puma Index is a fun way of tracking share market indices (Dow Jones, Deustcher Aktien Index and Australian Securities Exchange). As a share market index goes down, the Puma guy (you can choose females, but why bother) will take off his clothes, all the way except his undies. If the index goes back up, he'll wear back the clothing items.

He's cute and hot and while waiting for the changes in the live index, he'll do stuffs like moving rocks, cleaning his bike, ironing his underwear depending on the current index. If the stock market is closed for the day, he'll just sleep. Some screen shots.

When the stock index is high, he's fully clothed...

...ironing his undies for later.

When the market dips a little, he takes off his shirt...

...and clean his motorcycle

...or play with his dog.

But when markets are bad, he'll strip for you...

... all the way down to his white undies he ironed earlier!

Chocolate (and naked hot man) makes one happy in such times!

After a tiring day, our Puma guy goes to sleep...

A good way to start learning about stock markets and investment! Go check it out!

Queer Science

2009-09-28T22:23:00.000+08:00

Recent findings from science...

Some interesting stuffs on the researches on sexual orientation. First, check out this video on homophobia. The key takeaway from this is that real straight men are not threatened by homosexuality because they got no reason to be. Whereas those who exhibit homophobia are more often than not a deeply closeted, self-hating hating gay guy. Reminds me of the those priests who preached against gays and yet have gay sex; or that straight-acting guy you know who publicly condemn gays, yet he sucks cocks.

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Second is an article from Scientific American bringing some latest development from studying of gay roles of top, versatile and bottom. Check out the article here.

A few key takeaways from the article, verbatim:

Tops were more likely than both bottoms and versatiles to reject a gay self-identity and to have had sex with a woman in the past three months. They also manifested higher internalized homophobia—essentially the degree of self-loathing linked to their homosexual desires.
Versatiles seem to enjoy better psychological health. Hart and his coauthors speculate that this may be due to their greater sexual sensation seeking, lower erotophobia (fear of sex), and greater comfort with a variety of roles and activities.
Although self-labels were not associated with unprotected intercourse, tops, who engaged in a greater proportion of insertive anal sex than other groups, were also less likely to identify as gay. Non-gay-identified MSW [again, “Men Who Have Sex With Men”] may have less contact with HIV prevention messages and may be less likely to be reached by HIV-prevention programs than are gay-identified men. Tops may be less likely to be recruited in venues frequented by gay men, and their greater internalized homophobia may result in greater denial of ever engaging in sex with other men. Tops also may be more likely to transmit HIV to women because of their greater likelihood of being behaviorally bisexual.

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Really bring back to something I wrote long time ago:

Gay people's worst enemy are usually gay people themselves, especially those who are in denial. I've seen it in action. Xavier's ex was verbally denouncing gay people (effeminate ones in particular) in front of some straight people. The psychology is simple: if he's seen gay-bashing, he thinks that people wouldn't consider him as gay. Gay people don't gay-bash their own kind right?

Wrong.

Bonded with Ethanol

2009-09-23T21:43:00.003+08:00

The downside of some molecules...

Never before a molecule so thoroughly enjoyed yet at the same time deeply despised. Countless resources are spent to both obtain it and to prevent others from consuming it. Many spirits were lifted by it but many lives were lost in the process... This is the most controversial molecule in human history: the ethanol - the consumable alcohol.

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C₂H₅OH is the chemical name of this substance. The oomph of this molecule comes from the hydroxyl radical (OH) which bonds with the carbon chain, which otherwise just another hydrocarbon (i.e. ethane gas C₂H₆).

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My personal history with this molecule is a bit sketchy, because alcohol was available to me in my mum's fruit cake since I was small. My family never prohibits alcohol, it's just that we hardly consume it. My first full alcoholic beverage is beer. And I dislike it the first time I had it. Too bitter.

Over the years, I didn't pay much attention to it until the recent years, I started to develop a taste for dessert wine, champagne, muscat... the sweet stuffs. However, I still entertain beer, wines for social reasons.

And all this while I watched what I drink, refuse to go to drunk level (Naughty Nash may disagree with me). I love that high feeling, but I always maintain a cautious level. (And plus alcohol is not cheap here!) So, I was a responsible drinker.

Until last weekend, I finally admit I was drunk. Had a great time out session with Jin, DH, Serm & Aaron. Too much white wine for my body to bear... really too much!

My heart was pumping fast, my palms and my face reddened... my response slowed down, balancing was off... became chatty, laughing loudly, losing inhibitions.... the feeling was damn high! Like wheeeeeeeeeeee~~~~~

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After Jin sent me home, the bad effects came in. I felt extremely uncomfortable. Felt like puking, but didn't. At times, I was breathless. I was tired and sleepy but I couldn't sleep. It was the most horrible feeling ever. Worst than being sick...

Anyhow, after a while I just.... slept.

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Woke up dehydrated, tired and had a slight headache. Spent the whole day being groggy, missed out a great day for workout.

So if you asked does it worth being drunk? My answer is NO. Just get high enough and enjoy the little crazy effects. Don't go overboard because after that it's just pure pain. No fun in that. Yeah, you'll sober maybe after a short high period, but trust me, it's better than drunk because the bad effects of this ethanol in your body can be very long term.

My message is: your body, your responsibility. But don't cause other people death or suffering when you're drunk. You'll regret it for the rest of your life, if you still survive.

For me, I regret the ugly pictures they took of me when I was drunk. ~_~

Naked Camel

2009-09-12T14:57:00.000+08:00

Less is more.

Don't you love it when companies use a lil sex to sell their products? I certainly do.

Check out Camel Active's website, for some hot men stripping down to their undies for ya (you can control the level of clothlessness). Here are my personal favourites:

The guy in picture 1 & 3 is yummy! Whereas the guy in pic 2 has a big bulge...

All these are kinda mild, in comparison to the advertising campaigns of Abercrombie & Fitch last time, but still nevertheless fun.

Disasters and Humanities

2009-09-11T22:15:00.002+08:00

Of fictional disasters and man-made terror...

There are two upcoming movies I want to watch:

Haeundae 해운대

2012

The CG for this is superb! Go watch the HD version on Apple's Trailers instead. I can't wait until November to watch 2012 in cinemas!!!!!!

Daniel Henry & I agreed that disaster movies should be in 3D.

******************************************

Friends know that I LOVE epic disaster movies with grand scale destruction. I blogged about here before on disaster movies that tend to focus on New York. I wrote in the end:

Well, by now you should know that I love to watch mega destruction on wide screen... I love to see buildings fall, cars flying, people running away screaming in horror, mind-blowing annihilation.... but I'm actually a peace-loving person in real life. Perhaps that's what separate us from Osama bin Laden and gang. We live in a non-fiction world and enjoy fiction; while Osama brings fictional terror to the non-fiction world.

I remember the inhumane attacks 8 years ago. That's the day I woke up, realizing how dangerous unsupported, irrational belief systems can lead to mindless destruction, not by Nature, but wrought in the depths of human minds - unchecked, unchallenged, unquestioned.

We should always put our humanity ahead.

******************************************

My heart for the victims of terrorism...

High Definition

2009-09-07T22:36:00.002+08:00

I love High Definition (HD) porn! It's mind blowing when viewed on a widescreen monitor! Phuh! If it's in 3D, I'll be shocked to death....

Random Thoughts Flow

2009-09-06T23:17:00.000+08:00

Raw thoughts, direct feed from my brain...

My escapism is music.

I wasted so much time. And I hardly learnt my lessons.

Weekends make me a lazy person.

I'm in the opinion that EVERY thing we human do, is detrimental to the environment & nature. Such a destructive species.

I find hard to blog nowadays, lazy to structure my thoughts into meaningful post.

Facebook and Twitter destroyed blogging, like how blogging destroyed writing and email destroyed letter writing (with paper and pen).

I hardly use pen nowadays to write more than 3 full sentences. Scary. I used to be my English teacher's pet. She likes my essays although she wouldn't be afraid to point out my stupid mistakes to the class. I guess that's how I learn. I remember her, she once a while sat on my desk. A teacher with a rich husband, she didn't need to teach actually but it's her passion.

Jin will be coming back in 2 days time. Yay!

I bought so many CDs.... just love 'em! One of the few things I don't mind spending.

I got an eclectic taste of music.

I love how my Mac alex fits into my desk... perfect work space for me. I just need to clear up some rubbish on my table and wipe the dust off.

I got lots of things to learn. Books to read. Music to listen. I wish I got more time.... so I mustn't waste any more time!

Time is a concept.

I sometimes got morbid imagination.... but let's not talk about it here. :P

I love old recordings, especially those with distortion.... you know, those recorded on vinyl records.... dunno why, but I love the nostalgic feeling. It's like after a hard day's work, you come home, sit down by the fireplace with a cup of hot chocolate and listen to the voices of bygone golden era.....

Most of the time I play my music on shuffle mode, so I can really jump from Mozart to Madonna, although most of the time it's Vivaldi or Qin music. Thankfully no Metallica.

OK, I'm really sleepy. Need to work.

I hate to work, but I need the money.

Is there moon tonight? Windows closed. Can't see.

OK. Bye.

Mac alex

2009-08-27T22:26:00.001+08:00

Hello, I'm a Mac...

My first post from a Mac! Mac mini to be specific. Just got the machine last week Friday. Really gotta thank Leggie for helping to procure this for me. After going through so much hassle of being middleman, my Mac mini was hand delivered by Leggie to me in a nondescript plastic bag. Upon opening it, there it was, the elegantly packed Mac mini in a compact cube box. It was a joyful and historical moment in my life, because I finally converted from PC to Mac!

However, my orgasm had to wait. Without a proper DVI cable to connect from my new widescreen Samsung monitor, I can't use my Mac mini. My mistake was that I didn't thought of getting the DVI cable even though was informed by the salesperson that it wasn't bundled together. I bought it because it was cheaper by a lot in comparison to other models. This was a big mistake, because later on I went to buy one on Saturday but it turned out to be faulty! Cost: RM 50. By Sunday, after pinning down the problem with Leggie, I went to MidValley to hunt for DVI cable and can you believe it that all the computer stores there don't carry DVI cable?! I finally manage to trace it at Best Denki. Cost: RM 65. Talk about cost overrun. I now know how Malaysian government almost always end up with cost overrun: no proper planning. Lesson learnt.

So, finally I got a working DVI cable, plugged it all in and voila! my Mac mini shining beautifully on the wide screen, interacting with me... I christened it Mac alex, to complement my iAlex.

Instantly vanished were my whines of all the hassles I had to go through... and all the impression of PC/Windows... I just love Mac! Although it took me some to get use to some of the new things, and I still am, it's just worth it all! Just look at this baby... so beautiful isn't he?

And see how small it is?

Energy saving, aesthetically pleasing, space loving... you just gotta love it!

Motivation motto of the day

2009-08-06T19:09:00.003+08:00

Be the person you want to sleep with.

NSFW: Mike

2009-08-02T01:35:00.002+08:00

Some experimentation in artistic nudes.

So the other day I got a request from a friend, Mike, to take some nude shots of him. Although it's not my first time doing so, artistic nudes are not exactly my forte. However, I still proceed ahead with the project to experiment what I've learned so far from my own experience in photography and what I've been inspired by other great photographers of this genre.

I shall spare you the 10-page essay that accompanies this photoset and let you have a look at a sample from it. To see more details, go to my deviantART gallery (you may need an account to see it) I warmly welcome any comments and critiques.

All hands on hat.

The sun wasn't that strong that day, but enough to cast some soft shadows on his body.

It's not what you're thinking. I just love the texture form on the pillowcase when he was grasping it strongly.

Some things are better when implied.

The veins. It's just too striking, the veins texture on both the hand and the penis. My favourite.
I need more models for my future artistic nudes experiments. Do contact me at swarmnet@gmail.com if you're interested (you decide on the usage permission).
Quotes of the day: "If you have it, flaunt it" and "Flaunt it while you still have it".
Hope you like this set!

Thought of the day

2009-07-21T09:21:00.002+08:00

Is the reason why the happiest person in the world will only see himself in the Mirror of Erised, is that he has achieved the most supreme level of vanity?

Freddie Stroma

2009-07-19T20:03:00.001+08:00

Move away Harry Potter, gimme Cormac!

I interrupt my usual boring blogging with a hot stuff, currently seen in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Freddie Stroma, who acted as Cormac McLaggen.

He is HAWT!

Check out this video where Freddie dances in his underwear only! Drool.... And Hermione abandoned him after the party?!

AMG: Friendship - Judy Garland feat. Johnny Mercer

2009-07-17T19:59:00.001+08:00

Judy: Friendship and the beginning of an affair...

Most people remember Judy Garland for one thing: Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, singing "Over the Rainbow". Here's something else. It's a cute song with an even cuter lyrics and some interesting history.

It's a duet with Johnny Mercer, best known for his lyrics of Moon River. According to sources, starting 1941 (perhaps right after this song was recorded), he had an long-lasting affair with Judy Garland, then 19. He was married that time and she was engaged with another person. Her marriage later halted the affair, albeit temporarily. The composer Hugh Martin said, "I think they were always attracted to each other, and they couldn't resist. And neither of them had a very high moral account." Johnny later wrote the song "I remember you" and quoted “I wrote it for Judy Garland. I always had such a crush on Garland I couldn’t think straight, so I wrote this song.”

Talk about celeb gossips 60 years ago. LOL!

Check it out.

Friendship

sung by Judy Garland & Johnny Mercer

written by Cole Porter

recorded December 18, 1940

Judy: If you're ever in a jam, here I am
Johnny: If you're ever in a mess, S.O.S.

Judy: If you ever feel so happy you land in jail, I'm your bail
Both: It's friendship, friendship
Just a perfect blendship
When other friendships have been forgot
Ours will still be hot
Judy: A-lottle-dottle-dottle-dig-dig-dig

Johnny: If you're ever down a well, ring my bell
Judy: And if you're ever up a tree just phone to me
Johnny: A-yes-sir-ee
If you ever lose your teeth and you're out to dine, borrow mine
Both: It's friendship, friendship
Just a perfect blendship
When other friendships have been forgate
Johnny: Gate?
Both: Ours will still be great
Johnny: A-lottle-dottle-dottle-chuck-chuck-chuck

Judy: If they ever black your eyes, put me wise
Johnny: If they ever cook your goose, turn me loose
Judy: And if they ever put a bullet through your brain, I'll complain
Both: It's friendship, friendship
Just a perfect blendship
When other friendships have been forgit
Ours will still be it
Judy: A-lottle-dottle-dottle-hep-hep-hep

Johnny: If you ever lose your mind, I'll be kind
Judy: And if you ever lose your shirt, I'll be hurt
Johnny: If you're ever in a mill and get sawed in half, I won't laugh
Both: It's friendship, friendship
Just a perfect blendship
When other friendships are up the crick
Ours will still be slick

A-lottle-dottle-dottle-woof-woof-woof
hep-hep-hep
a-chuck-chuck-chuck
a-dig-dig-dig
Good evening friends!

If the Communists are this cute...

2009-06-29T00:00:00.001+08:00

Cute commie wannabe.

What's with a white dude singing Chinese Communist songs? Nothing. Except that he's too cute and sexy when he sings it topless. Yummy!

Check out some old vids from honglaowai:

没有共产党就没有新中国 (March of the People's Liberation Army)

东方红 (The East Is Red)

我的中国心 (My Chinese Heart)

He has nice pecs and bod! Love it when he touches himself while singing... LOL! Too bad the new vids he doesn't sing topless anymore...

Now, all new commies have to be at least as cute as honglaowei to become one!!

The Living and The Dead

2009-06-09T23:10:00.000+08:00

To live a life.

Dies iræ! dies illa
Solvet sæclum in favilla
Teste David cum Sibylla!

Quantus tremor est futurus,
quando judex est venturus,
cuncta stricte discussurus!

***********************************

The other day I had an argument with my dad. He alleged that I wear too many black-coloured clothings, which is definitely something my mum told my dad to bring it out as she mentioned it before. The truth is that black-coloured clothings are like less than 20% of my wardrobe. Did they have some sort of observational bias? My dad gave a very lame reason for disliking black: it is the colour of mourning. I pointed out the colour of mourning among Chinese is actually white. Why the superstition? Then he said like if your friends are wearing black, you don't have to follow. LOL, he doesn't even know what colours my friends usually wear. After losing the argument, he dished out a classic parents' guilt-inducing statement: so now you're very clever in rebutting, won't listen to us anymore. Oh come on, if it's ridiculous, why should I ever listen to you? And don't even get me started on where you guys have been dead wrong.

I can't see why they have to pick this colour for a fight. My guess is that is not about the colour, but about my "friends" and their "influences", i.e. gays and their bad, bad influence over their son.

They still haven't give up on this.

***********************************

The other day after I came back from Baghdad, Iraq, I went to Vietnam to do some social service at some school. So I was talking to this teacher who looks like Mr Siao after the class about some education stufs for the schoolkids and all... when I came into realization that I was actually dead for a week. I died in a bombing in Baghdad and my body is actually in another classroom, nested in an overturned long bench. According some Vietnamese beliefs, my body must be buried within seven days. I quickly went to the local shaman requested for his services. I even had to bargain, which eventually I had to fork out RM200 equivalent for my funeral.

The thing that woke me up from my dream was actually my voiceover which said "This is the end of the human experience."

Spooky, seriously, not because of the ghost theme of the dream but the part where one is dead. I have to admit here that the idea of losing one consciousness, forever, is a very scary thought. I don't want all my human experience to be gone forever, just like that. What a waste! How terrible is that. No more. Blank. Silence. Darkness. Nothingness. It gives the shiver all the time I think about it.

And here comes my second admission of the day that, even though I don't believe in the existence of afterlife, the idea is indeed very, very comforting. To be assured that one still survives after one's death, in one form or another, restores the warmth in the living. But then again, after thinking carefully, no one can be sure of that. There are so many living things that die every moment, I doubt they have their afterlife. The only afterlife that most living thing ever get is being part of other life forms as our body being recycled into raw materials.

Now that this is hardly comforting to most people, but it reminds that I am truly limited to 1 (one) life. Damn, I better make the most out of it before I die! There's so many beautiful things this life can offer and I must maximize my human experience so that I won't live with regrets.

***********************************

After I woke up, I gave Jin a call - rather unusual thing I did in the early morning - and said, "I love ya."

Busyness

2009-05-05T23:40:00.001+08:00

Busy, busy, busy, busy...

Such a busy time recently, hardly got time to update my blog. Does the word "business" can be traced back to the word "busy"? Or is it vice versa?

***************************************************

How time really flies! One month ago, I was with Jin on a lovey-dovey trip to Krabi, Thailand. Half a year ago, I came out to my parents. One year ago, I was on a business trip with Naughty Nash. All these seemed to pass in an instant! Althought I can remember some of these events vividly (like how I sneaked alcohol for Naughty Nash at the MAS business lounge!) as if it occured yesterday but in fact it has been some time... Gosh, how my life just pass like that!

Sometimes I wish I can relive those moments, but perhaps I pass those unpleasant ones. However, it is usually the unpleasant ones provided a benchmark for other memories. It is because we have bad ones, then the good one arises. And vice versa. It's an unseperable duality.

***************************************************

Now, I'm about to board my plane for a business trip, first for this year. Had a suprisingly intellectual chat with the taxi driver just now, who was a Head of an engineering department before he got his voluntary separation scheme a decade ago. Amazing. Never judge a book by its cover, never judge a singer by her hairdo. Otherwise, you might miss a Susan Boyle.

***************************************************

Well. Time to go soon. Hope to blog more when I arrive. Business trips for me usually got no time for walking around and leisurely stuffs, but I guess I can take a day or at most two off to sneak to see some historical structures!

Hope I have a safe journey and safe return - I'm with Tamiflu and bunch of surgical masks!

Queer Eye

2009-04-26T00:18:00.004+08:00

Relaxing.....

After I came back from holidays, work is killing me. Deadlines and deadlines and work and work.... All work and no play makes Alex a lethargic boy...

***********************************

I found this gem from some of the old files: a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy episode! Love this one coz the straight guy is so hot.... John Zimmerman. And this episode is so beautiful...

Check the video out!!!

Dear Mum

2009-04-09T22:57:00.001+08:00

How to deal with my mum?

When I told my parents that I would be going off for a holiday (with Jin), my mum left the table. Jut like that. No more asking where I would be heading to, or with who. Just quiet. Like I am not there at all. Those questions were asked by my dad the following dad while driving to work. He seemed ok.

On the the day right before I left for the airport, I told my mum as a matter of courtesy that I would be leaving then. I gave her a hug, but she didn't hug me back in return like she used to do. Oh well, I did my part... so I walked off. Then she said, "Did you ever think of the consequences of mixing with those people?" Too lazy to argue and to spoil my holidays, I just replied, "It's just a holiday!"

I didn't call home the entire duration of my trip.

When I reached home after a week, the first thing I did was to greet my mum. She just gave a low grunt "Hm" and left to the backyard. I bought her boxes of chocolate in my vain attempt to appease her (I know she loves chocolates) and offered her favourite type of chocolate, she just flatly ignored me.

I really don't know what to do. Ever since she forced my closet doors open last year, I've been getting occasional (but worryingly frequent) outburst followed by silent treatments. I wouldn't have came out to my parents if she didn't really demanding the truth. Now she got the truth, but not the truth she wanted to know, and she's been acting like this. She is so distant at times. Most people would say at this point that ignorance is really bliss, that things were better off when she doesn't know anything yet. In fact, some of my friends also recommended that I just tell her some white lie that I'm off to some official business trip instead of the lovey-dovey trip with Jin. I seriously see the benefits of telling white lies and all... but I decided otherwise.

I think in the long run, they better know the truth. The truth that I am gay, the fact that I'm off to some trip with Jin, that knowledge that I mix with a bunch of great gay friends. No more hiding, no more pretense, no more excuses. This is me, this is who I am. Face it.

No mum, I didn't "choose" to be gay. No, Jin is not a bad guy. And no, I didn't mixed with the wrong crowd that gives me queer ideas about sexuality. I understand your position and your background and where are you coming from. I know that you've been told about the Confucian values that a male child who carries the family name must marry (with a real woman) and produce babies (almost always means male babies) as one of the main filial piety items. I know that in your Sunday school that the nuns taught you that homosexuality is wrong (as examplified by the infamous story of Sodom and Gomorrah - you told me that story when I was small too). I know that your relatives' and friends' children got grand (heterosexual) weddings. I know that in the whole duration of your life you've been over and over again been told about the "criminal" and "sinful" "deviations" of homosexuality, that no gays ever have any good outcome, that heterosexuality is the only "normal" way of life. I know that you have been relying on me as your only hope seeing that your other son is not really your best bet. I know that you gave up your work life to raise both of us up. I know that life been really difficult for you, seeing that grandma favours males - giving advantage towards your brothers than you, the only female child. I can see those, I know where are you coming from. I can feel you, mum.

Now I just want you to consider my points. Consider also the possibility that what you've been raised up and told about homosexuality is dead wrong. Consider the recent researches and discoveries about human sexuality by science. Consider the unreasonableness of your demands on me - that I forsake my life just for your own happiness, which now no matter what I do, can't guarantee anything. Consider the fact that I'm not entirely a bad person - I did my education up to Masters all on scholarship; I have a decent legal job; I don't do drugs; I don't gamble my savings or even worse, the family's; I don't beat my parents up for money; I don't rob, rape, loot, kill, or anything illegal and unethical. Consider the fact that you have a life ahead of you - do you choose to be totally sad over something you have no control over or be happy that we are all still living as a family? Consider me, who is still your son, loving you no matter what.

Truth to be told that I am bad at interpersonal communication skills. What I wrote here might seem eloquent, but in real life, I can't express it at all. Sorry mum that truth has to be so harsh and direct and painful. I wished I could have it easier for you, but I can't.

How can I reach you mum? How?

Be right back!

2009-04-02T00:01:00.000+08:00

I'll be off with Jin on a holiday :P See ya guys when we're back!

Alexander the Notorious

2009-03-31T21:34:00.002+08:00

My blog has been upgraded!

I'm a bad boy now. I thought my innocent blog will never get those Blogspot "Content Warning" that is usually dished to porn blogs. And despite 3 years plus of blogging with family in mind, I finally got it, perhaps thanks to Matuatama.

Amazing. So I am officially a bad boy who blogs naughty things. Be afraid!

***************************************************

I got my "breakup" letter from Janvier... so funny! Here's my version for Leo bro.

Dear Ardo Leo,

I don't really know how to tell you this, I’m joining the Convent. I think I realized it when I finally changed my underwear in your closet and I saw you sit on the elephant in the corner. I'm sure you're high enough to understand that you need a sex-change. I'm returning your toe ring to you, but I'll keep my virginity as a memory. You should also know that I haven’t showered in a month and your cucumber-fetishism is weird.

Best of luck on the sex change,
Alex

Wakakakakakakaka!!!!! How fitting! Janvier wrote that "...we saw you hit on the Catholic Priest" and my version came out to "...I’m joining the Convent". LOL! And the sex change part! LOLz!

Here's how you do it :

Dear (Someone you recently talked to),
I don't really know how to tell you this, (1). I think I realized it (2) (3) and I saw you (4) (5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).

(12),
your name

1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forrest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you smacked my ass
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
Chicken- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Fish - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other --The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Annat -shamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - My virginity
C/D - Your photo with the moustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbors dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorites that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs
S/T - Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I'm scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Best of luck on the sex change
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England - Go drown yourself.

***************************************************

P.S. Forgot to add, more notoriety from me coming soon. *winks* (only the BFFs know)

AMG: Earth Song - Michael Jackson; Earth Hour 2009

2009-03-28T00:19:00.002+08:00

I love Earth Song (sung by Michael Jackson) for few good reasons. One, it has an explicit environmental & humanity theme; second, it is sung with such a full force emotion that I was totally touched the first time I heard it (almost cried); and third, the music video is impactful, with even better relevance as they shoot it in real locations where deforestation, war and poaching actually happened.

What about sunrise

What about rain

What about all the things

That you said we were to gain.. .

What about killing fields

Is there a time

What about all the things

That you said was yours and mine...

Did you ever stop to notice

All the blood we've shed before

Did you ever stop to notice

The crying Earth the weeping shores?

What have we done to the world

Look what we've done

What about all the peace

That you pledge your only son...

What about flowering fields

Is there a time

What about all the dreams

That you said was yours and mine...

Did you ever stop to notice

All the children dead from war

Did you ever stop to notice

The crying Earth the weeping shores

I used to dream

I used to glance beyond the stars

Now I don't know where we are

Although I know we've drifted far

Hey, what about yesterday (What about us)

What about the seas (What about us)

The heavens are falling down (What about us)

I can't even breathe (What about us)

What about the bleeding Earth (What about us)

Can't we feel its wounds (What about us)

What about nature's worth

It's our planet's womb (What about us)

What about animals (What about it)

We've turned kingdoms to dust (What about us)

What about elephants (What about us)

Have we lost their trust (What about us)

What about crying whales (What about us)

We're ravaging the seas (What about us)

What about forest trails

Burnt despite our pleas (What about us)

What about the holy land (What about it)

Torn apart by creed (What about us)

What about the common man (What about us)

Can't we set him free (What about us)

What about children dying (What about us)

Can't you hear them cry (What about us)

Where did we go wrong

Someone tell me why (What about us)

What about babies (What about it)

What about the days (What about us)

What about all their joy (What about us)

What about the man (What about us)

What about the crying man (What about us)

What about Abraham (What about us)

What about death again

Do we give a damn

Check out the music video:

Tomorrow, Saturday 28th March 2009 from 8.30 pm to 9.30 pm is designated as "Earth Hour" whereby citizens of the world are urged to switch off non-essential lights and other electrical appliances as a way to raise awareness about the current climate change which is caused by human activities. Note that one hour of switching off lights is quite symbolic in nature, but the true positive impact to the planet comes when we are all understand the threat of climate change AND committed to do something concrete about it for long term.

Climate change is just one of the many problems our planet Earth is facing no thanks to our species. Overpopulation, overhunting, overfishing, overfarming, deforestation, pollution, etc are very serious problems. We MUST deal with all these problems, as there are no shortcuts. If the planet dies, we die. There are no spare Planet Earth we can shift to. Remember this fact.

There are plenty of materials online to find out more about all this, I will always recommend Wikipedia to start. For concrete actions, WWF provides a simple list of things you can do as a start. (Refuse, Reduce, Reuse, Recycle) Do support our local environment-related NGOs such as Malaysian Nature Society (I am a proud member) and WWF for example. Think globally, act locally.

Why is it so difficult to tell?

2009-03-26T17:50:00.000+08:00

Gosh... I don't know what to do... I'm going for a holiday with Jin next week for 6 days and I haven't told my parents about it! I mean, I can just go like that but it's not a polite thing to do. I find it very difficult how to say it... This is not the first time I'm encountering this, usually I just leave it until it's very near and I have to say it no matter what.

How? Any good ways to do it?

NSFW: Matuatama is Kippei now

2009-03-25T22:40:00.001+08:00

Seriously not safe work!!!!!! It's all about Matuatama, again!

So some kind anonymous soul commented on my original Matuatama post the other day, saying that Matuatama is actually an actor who goes by the name Kippei. He appeared on a Japanese porn label: Likeboys. And annoyingly like most other Japanese porn, his little Matuatama appeared pixellated (I am totally against censorship in porn) on few sets of DVDs (which costs 1,500 yen each!). There are also some new materials which I've never seen before on the newly released DVDs.

I would think what actually transpired was that Matuatama originally is not a porn actor. He is an original exhibitionist, and when he got so popular (small part thanks to me), this porn company decided to monetize on that. Why do I think so? Because the original videos (on his XTube) are not pixellated, it is true to the amateur spirit, and there are his pictures, again unpixellated. And there are no company labels on his original work.

So, I don't know whether he sold out for money or possibly he IS an actor after all? Maybe he really needs the money to eat or pay the rent... I don't know. I shall refrain from passing judgement... but I just wanna express my sadness that by appearing in mainstream Japanese porn, the spirit of exhibitionism of the true Matuatama is lost to censorship... will Matuatama ever be the same again?

Give us unpixellated Matuatama!!!!

Busy!

2009-03-17T22:04:00.000+08:00

Too busy with work! Deadlines within these few days!

Be right back when I'm done!

Breathing Space

2009-03-10T22:12:00.001+08:00

An hour on a Sunday evening...

I looked to the skies above, patterned by cirrus... can you see me, o winged machine?

One must take a break, keeps one sane. I took mine on a Sunday 6.30 pm. Skies bright, clouds high... all too inviting. I missed my nature photography. But where is nature in sub-urban housing area? The only breathing space I know.... the only one left.

My small patch of green lung. Grasses, shrubs and trees. (HDR-processed)

Here, there are no people. They don't want to come here. Abandoned plot, undeveloped, left idle. Perfect for me. I want to photograph this serenity. Life as it is.

Basking in final light of the day, ripe golden seeds fly off at the slightest breeze.

The grasses sway with the wind... Sometimes they move violently, sometimes they just stay almost motionless. Life is pulsating within them.

There will be death of course, but even at death, there is still beauty. I don't believe in the existence in afterlife, and because of this, I realized that this is the only life I'm ever going to have. This collection of material with the consciouness named Alex, is only going to live once and that is all. This affirms my love for life and after this beautiful journey, I shall return to earth from which I am made of.

Not all is lost. Life continues in one form or another. A blue-tailed bee-eater (Merops philippinus) perching on the dead tree. A migratory bird, this should be the last month it is here - safe, warm and well-nourished - before heading back home in the North.
And I shall return to my home too....

Wonderful how I celebrate you and myself
How my thoughts play subtly at the spectacles around!
How the clouds pass silently overhead!
How the earth darts on and on! and how the sun, moon, stars, dart on and on!
How the water sports and sings! (surely it is alive!)
How the trees rise and stand up, with strong trunks, with branches and leaves!
(Surely there is something more in each of the trees, some living soul.)
- Song at Sunset, from Leaves of Grasses by Walt Whitman

Where is the big blue cock?

2009-03-07T23:50:00.004+08:00

Of blurred cocks and pixellated dicks.

I can't help it but to quickly mention how horrible it is to see a censored male genitalia. When the censors decided to blur that part out, it actually makes things worse. I mean, there supposed to be something there in the groin area, but everytime Dr Manhattan (Watchmen) walks around with a blurred section, it totally irks me. It annoys the hell out of me!

Let there be penis!!!!

No to censorship!!!

Sheesh... What's wrong with showing penis and testicles where it supposed to be? It's entirely natural. What's not natural is the act of censoring it.

Same goes to Japanese porn. What's the point of pornography if you can't show the genitals? That's the number one most annoying thing when viewing Japanese porn, other than the guy in swimming goggles (totally what-the-fuck as well). This is the reason I boycott Japanese porn, unless it is unmasked.

Annoying.

My Debut Album / Make Me a Rock Band

2009-02-28T11:51:00.001+08:00

Tagged by Naughty Nash & Sam.

I love creating album arts! I've been doing it since I starting burning personalized compilation music on CD-Rs. And now with iPod Touch, album arts are a must... in event when album arts are not available, I made my own.

So now here's a meme that allows you to create random, fictional band and album!

*********************************************

Here are the rules:

1 - Go to Wikipedia. Hit “random”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Quotations Page and select "random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to Flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use Photoshop, GIMP, Inkscape, or similar to put it all together.

*********************************************

Cute eh? It somehow jives, to my surprise...

Now I know commercial artiste names, album names and album arts are a bunch of randomly generated nonsense. LOL!

I wonder what type of music is this... must be some quirky French rock music with one or two track sung in English to market it to a wider English-speaking market. Tracks include "French Fries America", "Paris Hilton vs Paris Hyatt" and "Moulin Rocque".

Go try it!

Meme Infection: 25 Facts About Me

2009-02-19T23:31:00.000+08:00

Been tagged by countless people... so here it goes...

1. I'm quite a lazy person. In fact, I don't feel like writing this.

2. I need at least 8 hours of sleep everyday to ensure I look fresh, youthful and beautiful. This is my secret. But due to lots of distraction, I hardly get 8 hours exactly during weekdays, but I do try to pay back the sleep debt during weekends.

3. I can be indecisive and thus, tend to dilly-dally.... but on small matters like where to eat for lunch.

4. I like a good handjob :P

5. I love music - mainly classical music and other non-mainstream stuffs. Pop music hardly appeals to me, but when it does, it must very good.

6. I love science. Been in love with it since small, and still loving it now more than ever.

7. I love nature, but not mosquitoes, leeches and annoying assholes (I do think of them as a distinct species).

8. I love travelling, but lack of money and time. Business travels solved the money part, but still doesn't provide much time to walk around.

9. I think a lot. My mental screensaver is thinking. I don't think I can ever achieve zero thought, as required in those meditation.

10. I don't blog a lot, because I put too much thought into an entry that it becomes tiresome.

11. The eye in the profile pic is really my own eye. The wet abs (lick!) on the banner above is not mine though.... although I do wish so.

12. Gym doesn't attract me... I dunno... Went few times and in fact, followed Chief for an one month trial (thanks!). It doesn't appeal to me. Although I would love to have an abs like the banner and muscles like porn stars, alas I couldn't sacrifice the time and effort for it.

13. I'm hooked to internet. Too much info, too little time.

14. I love the piano, but only managed to learn the violin. I love the violin too, of course.

15. I don't have much clothes.

16. I love photography a lot.

17. I love myself.

18. I love Jin.

19. I love the world, including Osama bin Laden, but hate certain ideas that are so destructive to the world and life in it.

20. I love to eat good food. And I can hardly get fat, although it might change as I grow older.

21. I can't think much now because I am sleepy.

22. I hate doing memes when I am sleepy.

23. I might abort this meme.

24. I am a lazy person.

25. I am going to sleep soon for my beauty requirement. Good night.

Pre & Post

2009-02-15T00:49:00.000+08:00

Four months ago, when I asked him to join our BFF group gatherings, he replied:

As for meeting up one day, I don't know. It just never crossed my mind about eventually meeting you, don't be offended, yeah nothing personal.
Which also means really remotely I'll even meet the others in your legion of blog buddies. I do have reservations as I seriously think I won't fit in and somewhat outta league.

One month after that, he met Jin and I. The following month, attended my birthday party where he got the first exposure of the BFFs. Now, he's one of us and dating one and guess what, he even organized a pre-Valentine's party for all of us. So glad that he changed his mind. He has to eat his own words, but since he's so nice to throw us a free party, I forgive him... hehehehe....

Thanks for the crazy party we had on Valentine's eve, Nason! *hugs*

p.s. I wonder why you have so many pictures of yourself in your house!!!

Darwin 200

2009-02-12T09:14:00.002+08:00

Today marks the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin, who came with out with the revolutionary theory of natural selection, as the main process that drives evolution of life.

To mark this significant year, which is also 150th anniversary of the publication of On the Origins of Species, I shall write (as much to my capacity) throughout this year on evolution, its processes and its impact.

Happy Darwin Day!

Charles Darwin, by John Collier (1883)

p.s. Google commemorates this on their front page with a doodle of their logo and Wikipedia features few articles on their main page!

My Compact Joy

2009-02-09T22:43:00.002+08:00

Spin to my happiness...

I just bought a CD today... after yesterday's CD, and 2 CDs on Saturday, and one on last Sunday, and almost a CD every now and then! It's crazy I know, but I just can't let good music pass by... CDs and books are the few things I don't mind spending money on. My CD collection mainly Western classical music - which I have been listening since age of 10 - but not the likes of "Best of...", "The Classical Album 200x", etc, I tend to avoid mindless & incomplete compilations. My recent purchases include works by Vivaldi (especially his operas), rare Baroque music, Early Music & Renaissance... I'm also a sucker for Mozart's works, most importantly his piano and other instrumental concertos. Not to mention my favourite composer Tchaikovsky, whose music so emotionally packed, perhaps due to his closeted homosexuality? I usually go for budget CDs from Naxos label... great quality with great prices. But I also don't mind paying for more expensive brands like EMI, Decca, Deutche Gramaphone, SonyClassics because of certain quality artistes from their labels. (Question: Why classical CDs are so expensive? Most composers are longdead anyway, so no need to pay them royalties!)

However, the question is where to obtain them? Last time, long long time ago, it was of course Tower Records in KL Plaza, with a dedicated room for classical music! It was my haven for a long time even though that time I was still a student with little money to buy any CDs from them. Then it shifted to KLCC, smaller room and shared with Jazz (ugh!). Then no more. Now their classical collection mostly in Lot10, but don't hope for much. Other places like Music Valley, Borders, Speedy Video, Movie Magic, Popular etc don't carry much classical collection but don't give them amiss because they do from some time to time they do carry some rare surprises. Nowadays, I see a lot of influx of classical CDs from China, cheap and original! And the best part is, the performers are internal players. If you can pardon their bad English translation, it's worth the purchase, although you gotta sort it carefully from some uncredited el cheapo synthesizer music.

Joy of music...

If you're a serious classical listener (like me... :P ), then Malaysia is not your place. I found my classical haven at Singapore's HMV, Orchard Road!!!!! (I spent about RM 1k worth of CDs!) And also this lovely classical music shop at Sydney's Queen Victoria Building. These places have truly quality, varied CD selection... amazing. Other than that, Internet is your most reliable source. I bought few CDs from eBay (can't find anywhere!) and cheap ones from CD-Wow! (free shipping worldwide!!!)... I haven't try Amazon.com though because the shipping is damningly expensive (almost or more than a CD price!).

Lastly, you can always download from the Internet :) The selections available are very fulfilling. You can get almost anything for free! However, I don't condone piracy... I do end up buying a lot CDs I downloaded earlier. I think of downloading as sampling, so yeah, and I do contribute back to the recording industry. The result is tonnes of CDs in my collection.... I'm so loving every single one of it! I got most of CDs in my iAlex - my lovely iPod Touch 32 GB - although obviously it can't fit anything in it. Inside, I got complete Tchaikovsky's Symphonies and Ballets, complete Beethoven Symphonies, complete Mozart's String Quartets and Piano Sonatas, not to mention Vivaldi's operas and concertos, rare music here and there.... not to mention my other musical passions - Chinese classical music, New Age, soundtracks, World Music, Musicals, Oldies, etc.... Ah.... joy....

So do you buy a lot of CDs/music? And what type?

Smart Alex - Wisdom of the Day (3)

2009-02-03T19:59:00.000+08:00

Don't bite the hand that feeds you

IN FACT

Don't bite any hands, you don't know where they have been to

*********************************************

Don't kill the goose that lays the golden egg

IN FACT

Don't kill the gander that inseminates the golden egg-laying goose

More ancient wisdoms here and here.

Happy New Year of the Ox!

2009-01-26T01:02:00.000+08:00

Alexander the High (from drinking wine) wishes the BF, the BFFs and all readers a wonderful New Year!!!!

新年快乐!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AMG: Red Lilies Crimson and Bright 山丹丹开花红艳艳

2009-01-22T22:24:00.001+08:00

Red Lilies Crimson and Brightperformed by Yin Chengzong (piano)arranged by Wang Jianzhongfrom the album "Yellow River Concerto Piano"

Yesterday, during lunch time at Suria KLCC Concourse, there was this guzheng performance by a lady in cheongsam. One of the pieces she played is something I loved ever since I heard it ten years ago.

山丹丹开花红艳艳 (shān dān dān kāi huā hóng yàn yàn) - "Red Lilies Crimson and Bright" or "Glowing Red Morningstar Lilies" is a Chinese folk song from Shanbei, a region rather famous for its unique folk music. (Another song from this region I loved is Lan Hua Hua , and I'll blog about this in future) The attached streaming music above is a brilliant piano arrangement of this song. For those of you who can play the piano, you can download the sheet music here. I was told by Ryan this piece is rather challenging, so give it a try! :) I chose Yin's rendition here as it is my first exposure to this song and it touched me deep down (imagine being a 18-year old single gay boy in the university hostel, alone and didn't know anyone who might understand his sexuality).

I can't tell you much about the original song because unfortunately, I am illiterate when it comes to reading Chinese. I hope some of the readers here can tell me the background story of this song. All I can tell you is, like many Chinese classical music and folk songs, it uses flower as a metaphor for something. I did manage to find the lyrics to the song and upon some crude Google translation, it reveals influence of Communist Party propaganda - terms like "Red Army" and "Chairman Mao" are a give-away. So perhaps the usage of red morningstar lilies is a representative of the Communist Party? What I need also is someone to tell me whether this lyrics were added later to an original folk music? Will anyone with Chinese literacy help me in this? Characters in parenthesis are my own markings.

山丹丹开花红艳艳

Possibly sung by Song Zuying

一道道(的那个)山来(哟)

一道道水

咱们中央噢红军到陕北

(咱们中央噢红军到陕北)

一杆杆(的那个)红旗(哟)

一杆杆枪

咱们的队伍势力壮

(一杆杆的那个红旗哟

一杆杆枪

咱们的队伍势力壮)

千家万户 (哎咳哎咳哟)

把门开 (哎咳哎咳哟)

快把咱亲人迎进来 (咿儿呀儿来吧哟)

热腾腾油糕 (哎咳哎咳哟)

摆上桌 (哎咳哎咳哟)

滚滚的米酒快给亲人喝 (咿儿呀儿来吧哟)

为民亲人 (哎咳哎咳哟)

热炕上坐 (哎咳哎咳哟)

痴心的话儿围着情哥哥 (咿儿呀儿来吧哟)

满天的乌云 (哎咳哎咳哟)

风吹散 (咳哎咳哟)

毛主席来了晴了天

晴呀晴了天

毛主席来了晴了天晴呀晴了晴呀天

千里(的那个)雷声噢万里的闪

咱们革命的力量大发展

(咱们革命的力量大发展)

山丹丹(的那个)开花(哟)红艳艳

毛主席领导咱们打江山

山丹丹(的那个)开花(哟)红艳艳

毛主席领导咱们打江山

The Woman of the Next Table

2009-01-19T22:58:00.001+08:00

Share pork with everyone else and make the world a better place...

I mean, was it that obvious? It was like our usual BFF gay chats during gay meals at a crowded restaurant... but maybe because most of us were having a green theme for Janvier's birthday bash (another surprise party) at a pork place. Or maybe we all accidentally slipped out phrases like "hot men", "cute boys", "ass", "his boyfriend" etc... Or was it because there were not a single pussy on our 16-strong table.

Or all of the above.

And the woman in her early forties from the next table, right behind Leo bro, suddenly turned over and conversed to us all earnestly. She was commenting on our group something along the line of "What a group of young people! Look at all of you, professionals and successful... People like you all gonna conquer the world!"

Wow... people like us, eh?

Heck, she was so participative in our table & quite observant which led me to suspect either she's a great fag hag or she's hinting something to her 16-year old son that it's OK to be gay (especially when she asked for facial tips from us for her son).

We are that out, ok?

Great to have supportive fag hags around us... not everyone out there is homophobic. And visibility creates awareness among the society that after all gay men are just like everyone else: we study, we work, we pay taxes, we eat, we consume pork, we drink wine, we chat, we gossip, we make fun of each other, we laugh, we have birthdays, we have friends, we love...

We are your fellow human beings.

Instruction Manual for Life

2009-01-15T20:09:00.001+08:00

Just saw this meaningful video... beautiful.

p.s. Just to add, a lot of people insist that they have the correct cupboard and drawers simply because their "instruction manual says so".

Highlights of 2008

2009-01-06T22:42:00.000+08:00

A year in a nutshell...

2008 was heck of a year. It was crazy, fun, angry, weird, shocking but above all, gayer than ever. Of course, the most significant event of last year was of course my coming out. It all started earlier in the year when I came out to my cousins during Chinese New Year. I wrote in the end of that post:

This is the first time I came out to my relatives. Kinda liberating.
Parents next? I don't foresee that in near future...

Unknowingly, in November, everything exploded into a full family crisis. First my mum knew, as my mother guessed it all too well, which was a big shock to me as I was unprepared at all... while my balls shrunk, then my dad knew as well and they confronted. Nowadays, they're just mostly quiet on this, but with occasional outburst of morality talks and all... I'm coping well here.

Thank you all for your kind emails and comments for this event.

Last year is also a year for travelling. Jin and I went to a lot of small places nearby KL, like some forest reserves or the Ampang-Hulu Langat Lookout point... I also went to an ancient rainforest in our country, which left a deep impression on me (being an environmentalist wannabe). I also got the amazing chance to visit Northern Lands, on which trip I managed to meet Naughty Nash. Then, it was Bangkok with the BF & BFFs!!!! And then also Vietnam! The reason why all my travel posts are so short is because I'm bad at writing experiences... something I need to work on this year as I will traveling more with darling Jin.

I also notice aside from my emotional coming out posts, funny/naughty posts get far more comments than my other serious posts. For example:

Of course, 2008 was the year of Matuatama! I first posted all his videos I found here, then updated with another one. To tell you the truth, Matuatama is my breakthrough as in getting the most historic hits ever in my blog... it was a meteoric rise for my blog ranking and popularity as well! It took me about 2 years plus to reach 100,000 hits but within a month from the 1st Matuatama posting, I doubled that number. All this I have to thank my Chinese visitors. Someone posted a link to my blog in some of the Chinese gay forums and it spread like virus from that moment on. It was picked up by other people and posted to their blogs and other forums... and the rest is history. Chinese visitors consisted of 75% of the page views from that point to end of 2008. The most hectic day was 30th September, with a whooping 7,191 page views! Almost 30% of the keywords to my site in the same period is "Matuatama" alone. It even attracted visitors from unexpected (but not that so) countries like Saudi Arabia (76 visits), Pakistan (48), Iran (10), Bhutan (1), Greenland (1), etc.

Matuatama is a global phenomenon. Thanks Matuatama :) And to my Chinese visitors, please stop spamming my chatbox and my mailbox please, I'm not Matuatama.

Here's an appreciation video for you all: Warning: Not Safe For Work!!!!!!!

Find more videos like this on QueerClique

Centimetres of (so-called) Fame

2009-01-05T22:25:00.000+08:00

My little taste of celebrityhood...

LOLz! I couldn't believe it that Jin and I made it into a local magazine! Hahaha.... our small picture took few centimetres of a page, hardly significant in comparison with other more important celebrities, but hey, it's something for me! No need to rush to buy Men's Health, coz I'm not in that mag, although I wished I am on the front cover :P Kinda cool though to see your face mass printed for all to see...

What do you think of appearing in a magazine?

Collapse

2009-01-03T15:09:00.001+08:00

A must-read book.

I've just finished reading the monumental book "Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Survive" by one of my favourite writers, Jared Diamond. This book discusses lessons from ancient societies - the Easter Islanders, the Anasazis, the Mayans, Greenland Norse, etc - to modern societies - Rwanda, Haiti, China, Australia - and the common underlying environmental theme. The ancient societies discussed failed to tackle combinations of problems, which includes environment as the main or major factor, and thus collapsed. Few modern societies have collapsed as well, but Rwanda and Haiti are the most dramatic ones.

To highlight the great difference between human activities and decisions have on environment (and thus back to ourselves), have a look at Haiti. Haiti and Dominican Republic shares the same island of Hispaniola in Central America. Long story short, Haiti has severe deforestation problem due to history of political instability, rapid population growth, bad agricultural practices on a sensitive environment... whereas Dominican Republic has adopted a more sound environmental policies (which might be threaten as well). Look at the satelite image of the Haiti-Dominican Republic border:

The border between Haiti and the Dominican Republic. Haiti is to the left and the Dominican Republic is the greener area to the right.Credits: NASA/Goddard Space Flight Center
Scientific Visualization Studio (source)

Check the out the animation as well:

Animation highlighting the vegetation difference between Haiti and the Dominican Republic.

Credits: NASA/Goddard Space Flight Center

Scientific Visualization Studio (source)

As a result, we can quickly compare the wealth of the two nations: Haiti has GDP (PPP) per capita of $1,291 versus Dominican Republic of $8,116 (2007 estimates). There is a correlation between environmental wealth and material wealth on this island of Hispaniola.

Closer to home, Malaysia has been passingly mentioned few times in the book. Most notably, Malaysia is one of several countries which "have already reached or are on the road to catastrophic deforestation". Another shocking pronouncement:

... destruction of accessible lowland tropical rainforest outside national parks is already virtually complete in Peninsular Malaysia...

Why nobody in this country ever mentioned about this? I'm aware that our environmental problem is severe, but not this bad right? But looking carefully, this is probably true, as we have replaced our rainforests with mono-crops: rubber & oil palms. Not to mention indiscriminate logging, building of hydroelectric dams, development projects and others which destroyed a large swath of our precious and irreplaceable ancient rainforests.

Politicians in Malaysia couldn't care less, I still remember the Menteri Besar of Kedah last year he will proceed to log the forest in his state as it is "God's gift" (which sounds exactly like the dumb Ann Coulter's "God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.'"). Irresponsible developers continue to rape hillsides and forests in the face of weak & corrupt local governments, while the Malaysian population is generally ignorant, ill-informed, apathetic towards environmental issues.

We must understand the importance of preserving and managing our natural environment sustainably for the sake of the survival of all living things on this planet including ours because the destruction of nature will eventually lead to the collapse of our societies through various interplays of other factors as well. I couldn't persuade anyone as good as Jared Diamond, therefore I truly recommend this book for all (review). Please read it.

You can also check out Jared Diamond's talk on this from ted.com.

Alexander The Gay: 4th Year

2009-01-01T22:27:00.000+08:00

The 4th Year begins....

I can't believe I'm beginning my fourth year of blogging. I started blogging on 1st January 2006... ah... I still can remember that lonely day when I decided I'm not going to be alone anymore. This blog has really changed my life. Big time. The best damn thing that ever happened to me because of this blog is of course Jin. As days go by, my love for Jin grows as well. I made my mistakes along the way of course, because I'm never perfect, but the important thing is remembering the lessons and work on it. I love you much, Jin :) *2009 kisses*

And I'm also very glad I have this bunch of Blog Friends Forever (BFF) with me. Thank you for being such a great friends, you guys make my gay world ahappy, liveable one :) *2009 hugs*

Wonder what 2009 will bring?

I'll do a recap of 2008 in due time, in the mean time, I'm hoping the best for everyone in this year!

Happy New Year 2009!

New Year Resolution

2008-12-31T10:43:00.002+08:00

2008 passed so fast that I barely recorded it! I haven't got the time to blog about Christmas and now it's New Year! Cliché: time flies.

Quickly, my New Year's resolution for 2009 will be about managing resources:

Money management - as recession is here, so I pledge not to waste money unnecessarily. I shall reduce/minimize my expenditure on luxury items and spend mostly on needful things. Catch: I shall define what's "needful".
Time management - I too lazy and this costs me time. Time is gold. So wasting time has an equivalent monetary forfeiture. Therefore, I shall not waste time on things that are unproductive. Catch: Sleep is not counted.
Natural resources management - I pledge to be more eco-friendly (as I've been striving and doing all this while). There shall be no compromise on this.

There you go. Happy New Year 2009!

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Oh here, catch this cool video.

Word (Verification) Power

2008-12-23T22:02:00.002+08:00

Let's learn some new vocabulary, courtesy from Blogger.com Word Verification Program!

babiti: a leisurely, social event whereby one invites friends over to grill some pork and have some tea in the meantime

Example: We had a great babiti last weekend at Paul's!

[etymology: barbeque+babi+tea]

brisb: be right back briskly

Example:

jon[~`hAppY`~]: dude, brisb. toilet

mel//jazz//: quik, game gonna start soon

jon[~`hAppY`~]: can wait one la

cuoughed: to expel air from the lungs suddenly with a harsh noise but with special emphasis so that the intended person will notice that you're trying hint him about something, in front of other people

Example: Janet cuoughed so hard but it was too late as Peter unintentionally spilled the secret to John.

foring: fucking boring

Example: Goodness, this blog is foring!

hetness: to describe very sexy man, but who is straight; see also "hettie"

Example: Yummy, his hetness factor is 9/10! Too bad he's straight, but I think he'll fuck me after some beer and some porn.

[etymology: hot+hetero]

insing: name of a Malaysian boyband wannabe

kenless: Barbie (the doll) after her first breakup

knowifi: a gossip network that someway somehow get all the spicy information out of thin air; highly bitchy

Example: "That's why, you should join our knowifi to get the latest saucy news between Ken and Neil," said Samuel to Leah.

[etymology: know+wifi]

ledear: French for someone beloved

Example: William is Cheryl's ledear.

mirds: Malaysians who only mix with people are like them (from the proverb "Mirds of a feather, flock together")

Example: Alex is a mird, he wanna mix with gay people only... what a snob.

noncombi: separated from a relationship, short for "non-combined"

Example:

Cain: Oh my gawd! Did you know that Jimmy & Pete are noncombi now?!!!!!!!!"

Emmanuel: Shut! Up!

Cain: Seriously!

restsh: a lisped, gay, version of the word "rest"

Example: "Come dah-ling, let'sh restsh now~~"

shipster: a social networking website dedicated to sailors usually used for hookups, popular among straight sailors when pussies are really, really faraway

spaids: a way to cheat the blackjack table by buying some of the other players

Example: "I think Michael spaids Bill... see how he's been winning to whole night," whispered Ben.

[etymology: spades+paid]

tolingsa: refer to Chinese Word Power

turbuno: accidentally killed while standing too near to a moving turbine (refer to LOST pilot episode - see pictures here)

[etymology: terbunuh+turbine]

werse: a very badly written prose

Example: Oh my, I didn't know you're so good at writing werses! (to be said sarcastically)

[etymology: worse+verse]

whinsms: a short text message sent to friends to bitch about something

Example: Adam sent me a whinsms last night, describing how Jonathan didn't ask him for lunch.

[etymology: whine+SMS]

Finally Furniture

2008-12-21T15:08:00.000+08:00

Consider Yourself

I finally got my long delayed furniture for my room. Yes, after more than a year of dilly-dally, so much so my BFFs go "What?!!!! I thought you've bought it already!". So, yesterday Jin and Leo was there with me when I chose the items and Ikea. Poor fellas had to see my fickle and undecisive mind at work. Being an engineering graduate, I was taught to evaluate multiple options before making the the most optimized outcome based on a set of realistic objectives and contraints. (As if others don't) I guess Jin was already impatient with my delays and poor Leo was very hungry, almost went into a blank slate.

I'm part of the furniture!

So yeah, now it's worthy of blogging that I have finally bought furniture for my room that cost as much as my iPod Touch. That includes shipping and installation costs, as I'm too lazy to strain my hand twisting the Allen key... after all, the service only costs 5% of the product! I wonder where they get all these cheap labour.... I just hope these furniture will last for some time.

Now I need to organize the stuffs in my room. As a person in the age of excessive material, I have lots of junk and rubbish in my room. Even though I have continuously cleaning my room since a year, there always more coming! Newsletters, brochures, unsolicited marketing stuffs, paper & plastic bags, tiny bits of paper here and there, artefacts from primary schools (even UPSR papers!) until university, books, magazines, CDs, DVDs, etc etc etc.... my room can't take it all! I estimated I've threw 40% of the stuffs in my room since last year, yet there someway somehow new stuffs keep coming back. But I'm making progress, I opt for e-newsletter whenever possible, withdraw my name from mailing lists, recycle whenever possible and refuse to buy things I don't really need... it helps a lot. One for Planet Earth!

I just need to pack some more stuffs before the shipment comes in soon! Just can't wait for the new stuffs in my room!

AMG: Petula Clark - If I Were A Bell (Guys & Dolls)

2008-12-12T21:54:00.001+08:00

If I Were A Bell - Petula Clark

Every gay man has his own divas... One of my divas will definitely be Petula Clark! This song is from the musical "Guys & Dolls". In this scene, the guy spiked the girl's milkshake with Bacardi and she became tipsy... and happy... (this is rather familiar...) And so she sings this song. I love Petula's rendition, especially her accentuations, vibratos and style...

Ask me how do I feel, ask me now that we're cozy and clinging

Well sir, all I can say is if I were a bell I'd be ringing

From the moment we met tonight

That's the way I've just gotta behave

Boy, if I were a lamp I'd light or if I were a banner I'd wave

Ask me how do I feel, little me with my quiet upbringing

Well sir, all I can say is if I were a gate I'd be swinging

And if I were a watch I'd start popping my springs

Well, and if I were a bell I'd go ding dong, ding dong ding

Ask me how do I feel from this chemistry lesson I'm learning

Well sir, all I can say, if I were a bridge I'd be burning

Yes, I knew my moral would crack

From the wonderful way that you looked

Boy, if I were a duck I'd quack or if I were a goose I'd be cooked

Ask me how do I feel, now that we're fondly caressing

Well, if I were a salad I know I'd be splashing my dressing

Or if I were a season, I'd surely be spring

Yes, or if I were a bell I'd go ding dong, ding dong ding

Watch this scene from the original movie, performed by Jean Simmons & Marlon Brando.

Listen to Petula Clark's Downtown.

Happy times, happy day!

2008-12-09T22:37:00.001+08:00

Great times with Jin and friends...

I had the most wonderful time last weekend! Jin secretly organized a surprise birthday party for me and he had been planning this for over a month! Of course, it was not easy to keep a secret as Leggie almost accidently leaked it the day before... Although I suspected something, but I wasn't sure which day it was. I was quite unprepared for the big day as I wasn't on my best clothes (I hardly have any), but thankfully I could choose from Jin's array of wonderful clothes :P

Jin brought us to this charming little Italian restaurant in Bukit Bintang area. Most of my Blog Friends Forever (BFFs) and my other gay friends (which was a pleasant surprise!) were there and I guess we conquered a quarter of the restaurant! Paul, Leggie, Sam, Nase, Janvier, Chief, William, Derek, Cheryl, David, Junior, Leo, Bunny, Daniel Henry, Naughty Nash, Kenny, Xavier, Daemon and of course, the ever fabulous Adik... thanks for coming! We wined and dined and chatted and laughed and bitched under dimly-lit lights and wall of wine bottles!

The food's great there, the pork and lobster were great.. although my dining time was cut short by the waiter (manager?) who keep pushing me to buy expensive wines. "That one," he commented as I pointed to a cheaper wine, "will be a downgrade from the previous (more expensive) wine... you can taste the difference." I was like.... uh, ok... "I wanna eat now. Talk about wine later." So, I dismissed him. LOLz!

(On the other hand, not all waiters were like that... in fact, there was one so cute that Brother Nase asked for his name. :P)

Anyhow, in the end, I ordered three bottles of wine for all... couldn't resist alcohol on my birthday party even though it's bad for me. Just love the effect~~~

Oh, let's look at the gifts!!! :P

This is from my beloved Jin, two interlocking heart-shaped key rings with our initials (blurred) carved on it.... awwww..... and it can be quickly tranformed into oval-shaped key chain if danger comes near....

But this is the real gift, according to Jin! Which is a Nikon SB-600 Speedlight!!!!!!!!! I was like, OH MY ZEUS~~~~ Thanks darling Jin! *deep French kisses*

Janvier and Chief came for a while only, but they brought me a BBC documentary "Secrets of the Sexes" - I do love documentaries! - and a box of condoms laced with Benzocaine which is claimed to be enhancing sex by numbing the senses.... Will conduct a necessary experiment to check on this. Thank you, Janvier & Chief!!!

This is from Junior, Nivlac, Froggie and Ryan!!!! Thank you for the bag which is to replace my olde, olde one... a Nike for a Nike :P nicely designed, light and handy with compartments I need :) Thank you!

Kenny gave me a pair of boxers, perfect for someone who love freedom but still need modesty :P What interesting is that he threw in personalized birthday card, a box and another bonus card which he designed himself! Thank you for the gift and the effort!

Awwww.... a cute cap from the cutest blogger around: Leo! Really glad that you came! Thanks for the cute cap, now I have to find equally cute clothes to go with that now :P

Brother Nase is very, very, very kind to remind me that I smelled horribly :P He bought this Chanel's Allure EDT & hair and body wash set... the fragrance is amazing! So totally me! Thank you for this!

Ah, Naughty Nash knows I love chocolate since I had them with alcohol last time in Northern Lands! Thank you for the delicious Godiva chocolates! Chocolate makes me happy~~~

The gift of knowledge from Paul & Leggie! I was wanting to buy this book since quite some time already... the book on history and ideas of science suits me well! Thank you very much!

The beautiful belt from Sam and Dan... I seriously need a new belt since I lost some weight and I've been using those fixed-hole belts which is not flexible at all when your waist size changes... Thank you for this! :)

This is conglomerate gift from William, Derek, David, Cheryl, Joe and Daniel Henry! A stylish Adidas bag to replace my olde, olde bag... So now I got two bags... Nike & Adidas.... how do I use it? I'm thinking of using this on even-numbered days and the other one on odd-numbered days. Thank you, thank you!

Oh, and Joe sent a card all the from the Land Below the Wind (who's blowing anyway? LOLz!) It's a cute card with a teddy bear, and the two pages of the inside are filled with Joe's warm messages :P Thank you, thank you for the card and the effort...

Last but not least, a very practical gift which exemplifies "good things come in small packages" from Xavier and his Daemon.... I got so many books to buy before this year end.... this is very timely. Thank you!

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After that, few of us went to Marketplace for drinks and dance. Of course, Naughty Nash were there, Leo brought his faghag, Adik went to another party before he came, and Kenny with another crowd. We chatted and drank and I declared for the first time that I was drunk. Because it was the World Aids Day event, we managed to catch the flamboyant and unique mini fashion show. And then, the dancefloor was opened for us all! We danced and danced and before I knew it, I was on the podium after Jin and Naughty Nash. Leo joined shortly after. I gotta admit it takes a drunk Alex to be brave enough to dance on the podium!

But then, our party was cut short by a bunch of party poopers: the police! The DJ stopped the music and then we have evacuate Marketplace by showing our ICs that we're above certain age (is it 21?). That, however, didn't stop a bunch of merry gay men singing Christmas carols on the rooftop!

Anyhow, the evacuated gay boys swarmed the nearest mamak (happy with our pink ringgits) which led us to formed the conspiracy theory on how the mamaks called the police to raid Marketplace. And which was sorta strengthened by appearance of the few plainclothes policemen at the mamak later to eat.... :P

Anyhow, we all decided to go back home after that... we all exchanged hugs and all and left. I felt asleep in Jin's car and my hand on Jin's thigh...

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I really had a great fun time for my birthday.... Thank you very much for coming and for the presents and the efforts you all put in, no matter how small. Special thanks to Jin for conjuring these magic up, and he shall be rewarded accordingly :P

Thank you! *hugs*

Preach to your choir, not the sleeping people!

2008-12-06T07:24:00.004+08:00

Silence is golden. Really.

Shut up ! - SIMPLE PLAN

I'm blogging this in the early hours on a Saturday morning and usually I would be sleeping. And yet, I'm awake. Awaken by a loud continuous noise. Noise from approximately 260 meters away (as measured on Google Earth).

Some quarters becomes angry when this is brought up, but here I'm speaking about this. Well, I can stand the azan (call to prayer) which lasts about a minute more, but then do we have to stand sermons?! Yes, sermons! Which lasts about an hour! At the volume equivalent to the azan! During this ungodly hours of the morning! And this has been happening for some time!

Oh my Zeus! Do you have to broadcast your lengthy angry sermons so LOUD at this hour?! Do you have to force your sermons down my ears?! DO YOU? DO YOU? DO YOU?

But I doubt anybody dare to bring this up public, because everytime you just mention anything related to any religion for that matter, people tend to have their balls shrunk and refused to think clearly. "We must respect religion! We must not question religion!" and those are usually the ultimate discussion/thinking stoppers. By declaring religion forbidden from the reach of rationality and reason, we have accorded religion absolute unchecked and unbalanced power, ripe for abuse.

I therefore question the need to broadcast anything so indiscriminately to a large area where there are people who do not wish to be disturbed while they are having their sleep (and it's not like I can turn it off anytime!) Don't worry of not saving my soul or me being burning in hell for missing out your sermons, I can handle that myself very well, thank you very much.

And remember, you say it best when you say nothing at all.

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"Shut Up"

by Simple Plan

There you go

You're always so right

It's all a big show

It's all about you

You think you know

What everyone needs

You always take time

To criticize me

It seems like everyday

I make mistakes

I just can't get it right

It's like I'm the one

You love to hate

But not today

So shut up, shut up, shut up

Don't wanna hear it

Get out, get out, get out

Get out of my way

Step up, step up, step up

You'll never stop me

Nothing you say today

Is gonna bring me down

There you go

You never ask why

It's all a big lie

Whatever you do

You think you're special

But I know, and I know

And I know, and we know

That you're not

You're always there to point

Out my mistakes

And shove them in my face

It's like I'm the one

You love to hate

But not today

So shut up, shut up, shut up

Don't wanna hear it

Get out, get out, get out

Get out of my way

Step up, step up, step up

You'll never stop me

Nothing you say today

Is gonna bring me down

Will never bring me down

Don't tell me who I should be

And don't try to tell me what's right for me

Don't tell me what I should do

I don't wanna waste my time

I'll watch you fade away

So shut up, shut up, shut up

Don't wanna hear it

Get out, get out, get out

Get out of my way

Step up, step up, step up

You'll never stop me

Nothing you say today

Is gonna bring me down

Shut up, shut up, shut up

Don't wanna hear it

Get out, get out, get out

Get out of my way

Step up, step up, step up

You'll never stop me

Nothing you say today

Is gonna bring me down

Bring me down

{shut up, shut up, shut up}

Won't bring me down

{shut up, shut up, shut up}

Bring me down

{shut up, shut up, shut up}

Won't bring me down

Shut up, shut up, shut up

Blog It Like Janvier

2008-12-01T22:17:00.005+08:00

An entry written in the style of Janvier Soldat.

When we came out to our parents recently, it was a dramatic affair filled with emotions. We recognized that it is not a good thing to harbour negative emotions for too long. But what can we do other than ahem with Jin? We gotta admit that even Jin has his limits, he can't absorb all our negative qi and I don't think it's fair to him.

One day we walked by this store and we saw this handsome cutie... he's rather twinkish and rather slimmer than us. We saw him before but never paid much attention to him, but the recent events made us to take a second glance. We could almost hear him calling out to us with his sweet voice yet he remained there, ever so beautiful.

We were little scared at first at the prospect of being unfaithful to Jin, but we couldn't help thinking about him. The next day, at the nudge of the innermost desire, we went to the same store again and enquire about him. They gave us some information and right before we left, we took a quick look at him again. We think we are in love again. From there on, it seems like no turning back.

We gathered the strength and told Jin about it. He told us, "If this would make you all happy..." The heart asks for pleasure first. And therefore, we went to buy the beautiful slim iPod Touch.

It took a significant portion of our fortune to get this new baby of us - which from now on shall be referred as iAlex. It took redeemed cash vouchers from our credit card points and even after that, we have to request for 12-month 0% interest installment to afford it. We poor, but we happy!

So this is our coming-out cum birthday cum Christmas cum New Year gift for ourselves! When we first oopened the package, we couldn't get our hands off him. He just feel good to touch. And from there we went to develop obsessive compulsive disorder. We make sure all our music have album art and details before we allowed it to be in our baby. And we didn't stop at just having album art, it must be hi-res, because only then it will look good. We downloaded loads of free apps from the iTunes Store to enhance our baby. In fact, we went all the way to upgrade our home's internet connection to wifi to fully utilize our iAlex's wifi capability.

Now we love iPod Touch so much that we created an ambigram for him. Behold! the iPod Touch ambigram! If you look at it 180 degrees inverted, it will still read iPod Touch. We promise!

p.s We still love you Jin, we always do!

So far so good...

2008-11-26T21:57:00.001+08:00

I was quite busy and occupied since my last post... you know, letting things cool down a bit. I just read all the kind comments you guys gave... Thank you all so much for your support even though most of you didn't know who am I. Thank you very much, I truly appreciate it all :)

Thanks to Jin who really stand by me during this difficult time and the BFFs who called/messaged to check on me. Thanks to Nase who gave sound advice, and many others who directly/indirectly helped.

OK, enough of draggy acknowledgements... Just a quick update on myself.

I'm doing ok, in fact, kinda great because of two things:

Parents and I are back to normal talking terms. And I have to thank the National Fatwa Council for coming up with the Yoga Fatwa which united us to laugh together.
A mysterious addition to the Alexander's family.... which I will blogging about it soon.

Well, stay tune!

He Knows & She Confronts

2008-11-18T23:17:00.000+08:00

t.A.T.u - All The Things She Said

After my mum had her monologue the other day, I think she told my dad to talk to me since I didn't reply her at all. And my dad talked to me on this on the way to work last Friday (I guess when in a car, one can't escape). Even though the issues brought were more or less the same, but this time it was rather different as in that it wasn't a monologue: I responded. I couldn't stand the unfair accusations, unfounded fears and unkind stereotypes...

Dad: I dunno what friends are you mixing with... They might be bad influence to you.
Me: What bad influence?! And please don't talk about my friends like that. You don't know them and don't give out your judgement to my friends!

Dad: Our society is not as liberal as the Westerners...
Me: Whether our society is liberal or not, nothing gonna change who am I.

It was a long talk... In the process, I came out, officially, to my dad. His response was generally negative, although there were signs of acceptance. The last thing he asked me during the talk was, "When did you first discovered out this?". I replied, "Since my teenage years..."

He was silent for the rest trip.

And I thought it was all over, at least for some great period of time... but he must have told my mum. That night she looked sad, down, deject, distraught, perhaps over the official admittance of my homosexuality. Thus, thinkign from her perspective, I decided to postpone the tea party until a more suitable date.

I wanna let things calm and cool down for a while... but on Sunday, when Jin came over to pick me up for dinner, she waited and waited until Jin arrived, upon when she came over to Jin's car and asked to speak with us. She came in the car and started to talk. There so many things (I shall write it some other time) she said, and at some point I kinda lost my cool.

Mum: Why live a life of constant hiding? Why don't you just return to the normal path instead of living like a pervert?
Me: What?! (Shocked and angry)
Mum: If you think that's harsh, the society & some people are even worse... they'll call you things and spit at you.

Yeah, that's true... but I hope you are not one of them. And please, I'm not a pervert, if loving another person consensually is perversion... all of us are.

She also asked Jin, "Does your mum knows?".

Jin: Yeah, my mum suspects, maybe knows...
Mum: What does your mum think about this?
Jin: As long as I am happy, she should be ok.
Mum: But I'm not happy.

Too bad Mum, just too bad....

As I told my dad this morning during another car talk,

Me: I'm your son, not your property.

He accused me of being close-minded. "Listen to us and change all this... don't be close-minded." Me? Close-minded. I said to him, "Well, you're the ones who are close-minded. I told both you and mum that I'm born such and nothing can change who am I, but you think I am lying." Mum really thinks I'm suffering from some psychological abnormality. They blamed my friends, they blamed themselves partly, they blamed all sorts of things... "Well," I said to my dad, "guess you're the ones who need to keep an open mind. Your understanding of this issue is totally wrong. Both of you are not informed at all. Since both of you doesn't believe me whatever I say now, I guess I have to refer both of you to some independent third party sources, literature. Go to Wikipedia and read up on this issue."

Yes, I did say that. Ignorance is not bliss.

Seriously! They worried I will get AIDS and tonnes of other STDs... the risks are always there - whether one is homo or hetero - but they make it as if only gays will contract these diseases. I said, so if I sleep around with any girls, I won't get any AIDS or any diseases? He was silent.

Too much negativity, too many misconceptions, too ingrained with stereotypes, prejudiced, ill-informed, too emotional, nothing much I can do now... therefore I prescribed time for them...

... and perhaps some unbiased literature review and background reading on this might help.

Ball Tales

2008-11-09T23:02:00.001+08:00

Round up of latest happenings...

No Balls

I gotta confess here that I haven't discussed the gay issue with my mum yet... so, there's no follow up yet. I gotta admit perhaps that I'm still scared. I dunno, during her monologue last week, she never used the word "gay" or "homosexual", yet it was strongly implied. That's how Asians communicated with each other. While I am trained in Western ways of dealing with problems/issues - that is, being direct and straight to the point - when it comes to personal things likes this and involving my mum, I'm still very Asian in my core... I just can't be direct.
I told this to Brother Nase, who has been caringly informed me that a heart-to-heart talk is utmost important, I still didn't manage to summon my courage...

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Two Low-hanging Balls

I actually fell sick since the informal coming out. The throat got sore, the nose got runny and the body got heaty... Recovering fast, thanks to doctors, medicine, rest and a functioning immune system.

*NSFW: see the effect of temperature (body or environment) on the ballsack

******************************************

Six Balls and Two Papayas

Last night, I met up with Joe, Cheryl & Chester for a late night chat at the local McD. (I think my mum told my dad, coz when Chester's car showed up to pick me up, my dad was at the window observing who's picking me. Careful observation, was one of the biggest leads to my mum's big conclusion)
It's my first time to meet up with Joe - a handsome young aspiring doctor - even though we were in contact before electronically. So managed to keep up and I should say, nothing beats meeting a person, in person, physically.

******************************************

Too Many Balls

I'm planning a tea party at my home to bring my Blog Friends Forever (BBF) for a nice chat with tea and scones, perhaps some crumpets. LOL... I'm hoping my mum will see how normal gays are... how positive gays are... how wrong she is with her negative stereotypes... of course, I won't be telling my mum I'll bringing my gay friends, but with the gaydar my BFF emits, she'll definitely know.

Let's see what gonna happen... let's hope I'm not gettin' my balls busted.

Thank you guys...

2008-11-04T23:39:00.001+08:00

Thank you for all your concerns and support on what's been happening to me yesterday. Special thanks to my dearest Jin for his unconditional support & love... and to my Blog Friends Forever (BFF), great thanks for all the advice, moral support and concern... *group hugs* It helps me a lot in coping these difficult times, I totally appreciate that. :)

So far nothing happened, but things are not the same again from now onwards... I guess I'll be OK... I just need to sum up my courage and talk to her on this again. I just dread that day... Come what may?

She knows

2008-11-03T22:40:00.000+08:00

Prelude in C# minor (Rachmaninov)

My mum knows. About me, a gay. All this while she has been suspecting, dropping hints here and there... but today she gave the clearest indications that she knows it all.

She was sending me to a training center today and on the way, Naughty Nash called asking me for breakfast. After saying that I can't make it, I put down the phone and she started. She thought it was Jin. She's been observing us since the longest time and I guess all the clues lead to the same conclusion.

She said so many things, but I can only remember she said,

why are you so close to Jin?
breakfast, lunch and other meals you always eat together
always go out with him
Jin is his mum's only son and you're technically my only son
you have responsibilities to your family
he has his responsibilities to his
have you thought of his future?
I don't know what are you both doing, but it's not natural
the natural path is to find a woman, get married and have children
this unnatural path will lead you to nowhere
it will bring your downfall, like Anwar Ibrahim
where is the future in all this?
not in Malaysia
you can't get married
you have to live a life of hiding
always in the dark
Yes, I might not be as educated as you, but I'm thinking what's best for you
you think all this is about being modern, but it's not right
don't continue this lifestyle
I'm your mum, but have I ever do anything bad for you?
listen to my advice, change your lifestyle
we as parents never do anything bad for their children
I know sometimes I could be a controlling woman, but not all girls in the world are like me
have you tried going out with a girl?
who knows you might meet a good one...
I know me and Dad always argue, but we do reconcile
it might not be the perfect home, but please do tell me what's wrong with us?
so that we can correct ourselves and give you a better place...

I kept quiet during the whole monologue. Deep inside I was angry at the negative stereotypes, I wanted to counter each of the claims, but I couldn't open my mouth. It was very frustrating yet in the same time I was scared... this is the moment of a gay man's life... I dunno what to do.

In the end of that line, I reached my destination... I left the car and closed the door.

I didn't look back. I'm just scared of what's gonna happen next.